The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Halloween

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Halloween: In Today's Issue Halloween Did you Know That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing Random Joke of the Day Funny Fobia Word of the Day ...

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Halloween

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Halloween: In Today's Issue Halloween Did you Know That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing Random Joke of the Day Funny Fobia Word of the Day ...

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Halloween

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Halloween: In Today's Issue Halloween Did you Know That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing Random Joke of the Day Funny Fobia Word of the Day ...

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Thank You

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Thank You: In Today's Issue Thank You Books.... That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing Random Joke of the Day Funny Fobia Word of the Day Finis...

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Thank You

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Thank You: In Today's Issue Thank You Books.... That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing Random Joke of the Day Funny Fobia Word of the Day Finis...

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Thank You

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Thank You: In Today's Issue Thank You Books.... That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing Random Joke of the Day Funny Fobia Word of the Day Finis...

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Thank You

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Thank You: In Today's Issue Thank You Books.... That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing Random Joke of the Day Funny Fobia Word of the Day Finis...

Halloween

In Today's Issue


Halloween
Did you Know
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Random Joke of the Day
Funny Fobia
Word of the Day
Finish with a Song

Halloween

  

Ghosts and Goolies

Spirits and spooks

Scared of stiffies

Ectoplasm pukes

Bumps in the 

night

And Vampire

Bites

A Werewolf's 

Howl

It loosens my

Bowel

And the worse one

yet

What makes a cold

sweat

When I think of

the twist

None of you

exist !

Trick or treating comes from the Middle-Age practice of the poor dressing up in costumes and going around door to door during Hallowmas begging for food or money in exchange for prayers. The food given was often a Soul Cake, which was a small round cake which represented a soul being freed from Purgatory when the cake was eaten.

Halloween is also know by other names:
All Hallows Eve
Samhain
All Hallowtide
The Feast of the Dead
The Day of the Dead

The owl is a popular Halloween animal. In Medieval Europe, owls were thought to be witches, and to hear an owl's call meant someone was about to die.

Halloween was brought to North America by immigrants from Europe who would celebrate the harvest around a bonfire, share ghost stories, sing, dance and tell fortunes.

Orange and black are Halloween colours because orange is associated with the Fall harvest and black is associated with darkness and death.

Jack o lanterns originated in Ireland where people placed candles in hollowed-out turnips to keep away spirits and ghosts on the Samhain holiday.

A pumpkin is a berry in the cucurbitaceae family, which also includes melons, cucumbers, squash and gourds. All these plants are native to the Americas.

World's Heaviest Pumpkin Tips the Scales at 2,096 Pounds. MAINZ, Germany — A Swiss gardener has grown the world's heaviest pumpkin — and it weighs almost as much as a small car. Beni Meier, 30, had to use a special vehicle to transport the fruit, which tipped the scales at 2,096.6 lbs.

Costume party. Host: What are you? Me: A harp Host: Ur costume's too small to be a harp. Me: Are you calling me a lyre?

Funny Fobia

Samhainophobia is an intense fear of Halloween.

Extramundane

outside or beyond the physical world

Finish with a Song

This is Will Smith with Nightmare on my Street

Thank You

In Today's Issue

Thank You
Books....
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Random Joke of the Day
Funny Fobia
Word of the Day
Finish with a Song

Thank you for following me

You are oh so clever

For my mission to you

My only endeavour

Is to make you smile

And also think

Even though

My rhymes might stink

But you know better

Coz you’re so bright

To read my page

Both day and night

So thanks again

You beautiful folk

Let's enjoy a laugh

And share a joke

So thank you for your support.... love you all.

If you are looking for a Xmas gift for the one you love ( or hate ) Here are two of my latest books :-

Tales of The Unaccepted

Twisty Turny Tales

About the Author

Neville Raper invented You Tube, has swum the channel twice and is a habitual liar.

He lives in Yorkshire, where just like the locals, he says what he likes and likes what he says.

Broadcaster, Author, blogger, Neville is an occasional stand-up, and regular sit down.

Message from the Author.

Hi, thank you for buying this book unless you stole it, then shame on you.

Seriously, I hope you enjoy the stories within. A lot of people ask where I get the ideas from so I’ve taken the liberty of sharing the inspiration of each one. I hope that this may inspire you to write your own.

I’d like to say that this has been a long hard road to get to this point, but honestly, it hasn’t. I find writing a pleasure and having my work read a joy.

My ultimate goal is to write something that I would like to read and by doing so, hopefully, something you will enjoy reading as well.

So sit back, dim the lights, but not so much that you can’t read, and come with me on a journey.

These are all stories of ‘what if.' for isn’t that what life is all about?

Yours Forever

Neville

Reviews

Top customer reviews

5.0 out of 5 starsA very enyoyable read

By Jim Purtill on 19 July 2017

Format: Paperback Verified Purchase

It was a pleasure to read this book. Neville Raper is clearly a genuinely funny man. His engaging and self-deprecating sense of humour runs through these stories, but this is a lot more than just a funny book. Some of these stories explore the dark side of life and have a powerful sting in the tail (and tale).
This is not run-of-the-mill fiction. It is different, quirky and original.
I enjoy Neville’s easy style. He says that he enjoys writing and it shows. He has a real way with words. He uses excellent imagery in these pages and reveals himself as an astute observer of mankind.
I look forward to reading more of the work of this very promising writer.

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5.0 out of 5 starsGreat - I love short stories and these have good ...

By Amazon Customer on 20 July 2017

Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase

Great - I love short stories and these have good twists, unexpected endings and more - ideal for that train/bus journey to work. I'm waiting for the next one Nev!!!! - Jacky Robinson (Featherstone, West Yorkshire)

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5.0 out of 5 starsLoved the twists

By T Southworth on 15 July 2017

Format: Paperback Verified Purchase

Loved it...a lot of the stories had a twist which I really enjoyed. I also enjoyed the sneak preview of the next book.....

Comment  Looking for voting buttons? Sorry, we don't let customers vote on their own reviews.

5.0 out of 5 starsIf you enjoy the unexpected then this book is for you

By Amazon Customer on 14 July 2017

Format: Paperback

Sinister,humorous,witty,thought provoking and a real page turner. If you enjoy the unexpected then this book is for you. An excellent read.

The Chairman, Mousy Tongue, brings you a collection of poetry and humour. An ideal companion for your cultural revolution or just something to read on the loo !

A great stocking filler for the despot in your home !!

Reviews so far :-

Never in the history of so few, has so less been given by so many with so much time and in.....where was I ? - Winston Churchill

Great book, I think it will make every thing great again, great, I'm so glad I wrote it - Donald Trump

It's crap, not as good as my web site - William Shakespeare

One liked this very muchly, I too read it on the throne.... I must go now as I'm having a go on the Karaoke with Phil....my fave is Queen, of course, One will One will Rock You ! - HRH Liz

The postman had trouble finding me - Lord Lucan

Both are available on Amazon NOW !!

It would take a sloth one month to travel one mile...... to be honest me too !!

Random Joke of The Day

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? ATTIRE!

Gelotophobia

The fear of being laughed at. Incidentally, there's no fear of being laughed with.... I remember when I first started stand up comedy, they weren't laughing then !!

Word of the Day

Aspergillum

an implement used for sprinkling holy water in religious ceremonies

Finish with a Song

This is Alanis Morissette with "Thank You"

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Benefits

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Benefits: In Today's Issue A Benefit Prayer Social Services That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing Random Joke of the Day Funny Fobia The Th...

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Benefits

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Benefits: In Today's Issue A Benefit Prayer Social Services That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing Random Joke of the Day Funny Fobia The Th...

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Benefits

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Benefits: In Today's Issue A Benefit Prayer Social Services That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing Random Joke of the Day Funny Fobia The Th...

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Benefits

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Benefits: In Today's Issue A Benefit Prayer Social Services That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing Random Joke of the Day Funny Fobia The Th...

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Benefits

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Benefits: In Today's Issue A Benefit Prayer Social Services That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing Random Joke of the Day Funny Fobia The Th...

Benefits

In Today's Issue

A Benefit Prayer
Social Services
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Random Joke of the Day
Funny Fobia
The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow
Finish with a Song

The first time since the

Second world war

We have Food banks

To feed the poor

One of the richest

Countries is what we are

Who’s on the gravy train

The buffet bar

The rich learn how

To avoid their tax

While social services

Face their axe

No social conscience

No care for all

Take and take

The Greed cabal

People dying of

Hunger and neglect

The poor and old

Being stripped of respect

Coz we only love

Our reality stars

They divert and inspire

Our self-harm scars

While the piggies

Eat from their trough

And rule us for our

Caps to doff

But we must rise

And overcome

To have our bread

And eat our crumb

Coz remember this

For the grace of God

It is you they will spit on

In the benefits squad

Benefit Facts

The welfare state is a big part of British family life, with 20.3 million families receiving some kind of benefit (64% of all families), about 8.7 million of them pensioners. For 9.6 million families, benefits make up more than half of their income (30% of all families), around 5.3 million of them pensioners. The number of families receiving benefits will be between 1 and 2 million fewer now because of changes to child tax credits that mean some working families who previously got a small amount now get nothing.

For 2011-12 it is estimated that 0.8%, or £1.2bn, of total benefit expenditure was overpaid as a result of fraud. This is far lower than the figures widely believed by the public.

According to figures published by the Treasury in 2016, the tax "gap" for 2013/2014 stood at £34bn, or 6.4 per cent. This is the shortfall between what is estimated by HMRC to be due in tax and what is actually collected.

3,600 people work in the DWP investigating abuses of the benefit system, while 700 work in the two units at HMRC that deal with the richest taxpayers.

1. 
   
2. UK flush with playing card forgeries following tax
3. Although playing cards were taxed as early as the 16th century, the English Government decided to dramatically raise taxes on playing card and dice in 1710. This resulted in a significant number of counterfeits produced to avoid the tax, including four fake Queen playing cards per deck. Surprisingly this tax was not removed until 1960.

Random Joke of the Day

I once Googled, 'How to commit murder and get away with it'. The first result was, 'Don't Google how to commit murder and get away with it'.

FUNNY FOBIA - Peniaphobia is the fear of poverty

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow ( Now on Amazon ) 

 Benefit - an advantage or profit gained from something.

"Benefits"... when did social security become a 'benefit'? We as UK citizens pay a percentage of our pay as 'National Insurance'. There is a clue in the name here...Insurance.

I have car insurance, if my car is broken into or stolen, I don't consider the payment metered out by my insurance company as a 'benefit'. I don't think any of us would doff our hats and bow our heads in thanks for a service we have paid for, after all, how many time is your driving life have you claimed vs the amount you have paid.

If my house is burgled, I expect my insurance to replace my property I don't expect it to demonise me for daring to claim it. 

So why does the media make out that everyone on benefits is scrounging scum? TV shows are poking fun and deriding the poor and ill... Poverty Porn. 

Where does this ethos come from? Where do YOU think it comes from?

Remember the majority of benefit claimants are pensioners, who have worked all their lives, also note that the Government have raised the retirement age. What do YOU think this shows?

When are we going to get TV shows focussing on Tax avoiders? When will we demonise them?

As the poem says, there for the grace of God walk you, maybe one day you may need your 'insurance.'

Finish with a Song - This is Phil Collins with Another Day in Paradise

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Writers Block

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Writers Block: In Today's Issue Writers Block Tips Random Joke of the Day That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing Funny Fobia The Tho...

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Writers Block

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Writers Block: In Today's Issue Writers Block Tips Random Joke of the Day That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing Funny Fobia The Tho...

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Writers Block

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow : Writers Block: In Today's Issue Writers Block Tips Random Joke of the Day That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing Funny Fobia The Tho...