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Tuesday 31 January 2017

Hey all it's

International Work Naked Day

( I'm typing this in the nude right now, well I've got my socks on, got to have somewhere to keep my pen )



This day was created by author and home office expert, Lisa Kanare.

The holiday is not about working without clothes (though you certainly can, if you would like to), but is about working from the comfortable confines of your home.

How to Celebrate?

  • Ask your boss if you can work from home, or someone else's !!
  • You don’t have to work naked from home if you do not want to. Wear your most comfortable clothes and work in your home office, garden or sofa.
  • If you do decide to work naked, make sure you don't spill your coffee.

Did You Know...

Research has shown that those who work from home tend to be more productive and happier than those who are forced to come to work every day. 




Poetry Tips


New writers often ask where I get inspiration for stories poems etc.
Recently I was given a random sentence and asked to create a piece of work.

The phrase I was given was -

"It was another day with nothing else to do than to shell garden peas."

Here's what I came up with .......


It was another day with nothing else to do
Than to shell garden peas.
Each pea I free from its organic bed
Clears the clouds from my dark head

The pod it pops a party favour
Releasing smell and green flavor
I can eat them raw uncooked and crude
A vegetable cannibal munched and chewed

I thank the stars that my worries melt
With this small action of aggression dealt
The green that’s given from the soil
As simple pea I pod, not toil

And in the end, I bring them to birth
From garden muck a muddy earth
To feed me nutrition and goodness true
To change my colour to green from blue

It was another day with nothing else to do
Than to shell garden peas.

Neville Raper
2016

So a hint is, just pick out a random sentence and have fun !

Hey it's

YAD SDRAWKCAB


Take a break from the norm and do things the other way round.

How to Celebrate?

  • Do everything backwards or sdrawkcab. Wear your outfit backwards and if you can, talk and write backwards.
  • Go to bed in the morning and start working in the evening, have dinner in the morning and breakfast in the evening, and have dessert first during all your meals.
  • Talk to people with your back towards them. 
  • Say goodbye to people when you meet them, and hello when you depart.
  • Make an upside down cake.
  • Get younger.... like Benjamin Button

Did You Know…

…that penguins, Emu's and kangaroos cannot walk backwards?




Words you can spell backwards - Palindromes 

Level
A But Tuba
Don't nod.
I did, did I?
My gym
Red rum, sir, is murder
Step on no pets
Top spot
Was it a cat I saw?
Eva, can I see bees in a cave?
No lemon, no melon





Monday 30 January 2017

How to be a Pirate



HOW TO

How to be a Pirate.

These tips should not be attempted if you are pregnant, wish to use heavy machinery or are Johnny Depp.

If you have 2 eyes you will need to remove one. I suggest serving spoon or sneeze with one eye open.

Remove one hand, a saw can be used, a vicious Jack Russel or cannibal are all good options
If you have no Jack Russel, you may need a vice and/or the help of a flesh eating friend.

Hook, if you have access to a vicious black metal hook brilliant, if not a metal coat hanger will suffice. It also has the added bonus of being useful for unblocking toilets.

Remove one leg, left or right. I suggest you remove the one you wouldn’t use to kick your cabin boy.
Use the above methods again. I suggests wait a couple of days as your jack Russel/cannibal friend may be full.

Wooden leg. It is important that in this instance a peg leg design is adhered to. A common mistake is to use a window mannequin leg. I would suggest that this would be pointless as it closely resembles your original leg.
A working peg leg can be made from a broom handle and a sink plunger end. Again as an added bonus, this also can be used to clear out a blocked toilet.

NB – This look may also be of use to unemployed plumbers.
You now have the figure of a fine pirate and are officially allowed to fly the skull and crossbones. However, a disabled badge maybe more effective. Remember, this shouldn’t cost you an arm and a leg.
Clothing
An eyepatch is a must – This not only adds to your pirate look, but can also double as a handy 80’s pop star tribute, i.e. Pete Burns, Dead or Alive, now dead and or Gabriel ( not sure if she might be a pirate )

If you are unable to purchase an eyepatch your girlfriends, wife or boyfriends black thong will be adequate. Obviously freshly laundered otherwise you may get a premature aroma of the sea.

Frilly velvet long coat, this is a must, for although you are a blood thirsty cut throat, you must show you are in touch with your feminine side.
Get your Nan to lend you her dressing gown and sellotape her old net curtains to it.

Trousers, note, you need to remove one leg to show off your newly installed beautiful false leg. Do not use leggings, although Pirates are happy within their sexual identity….Don’t push it.

Boots, once again, as camp as possible, shiny with plenty of buckles. A pair of black wellington boots covered in milk bottle tops will look fabulous.

Parrot
As you are no doubt aware. A bird on your shoulder is a must, it helps if it’s a common bird, and the most common bird on the planet is the chicken, not Tracy from number 42. A frozen chicken may have the look, although you may get hypothermia.

A talking bird really is preferable. Obviously parrots are expensive, Aunt Julies fat budgie bobby would be an acceptable substitute.

Speech

A pirate must have the right voice. In all cases they tend to sound like a Dorset farmer. However never get them mixed up. One will plunder and ravish you, the other will shoot you and tell you to “Gerrof my larnd” I will let you work out which one is correct.

Good phrases –
ARRRRRR – Can be used as a statement ARRRR ! Or a question ARRR ?
Splice the mainbrace – No idea what this means, it possibly a dental reference.
Shiver my timbers – I’m not sure how practical this is
Roger the cabin boy – Self explanatory
Walk the plank – This is a great party favourite, if no sharks available go back to your Jack Russell/Cannibal friend.
All hands on Deck – Half of the well-known presenters of I’m a celebrity.
Poop Deck – Toilet
Yo Ho Ho – An American rap reference

Careers
Plunder rape and pillage – but ensure health and safety guidelines are maintained
Buried Treasure – X marks the spot. Not your ex-girlfriend or signature, and remember where you left it.
Selling bootleg videos of ET at a car boot sale.

Facts

Where do pirates go shopping? – AAAAAAArgos
What’s a pirates favourite letter of the alphabet – No… it’s the C they love.
How much does a pirate pay for a piercing – A buck an ear

So that’s it, you are now ready to sail the seven seas, good luck and enjoy your new career



















Snap Crackle and POP it's

International Bubble Wrap Day !




Feeling a little stressed lately.? Then, this special day is made for you!

As anyone who has ever come in contact with it knows, bubble wrap is not just a protective wrapping for things. It is also a wonderful stress reliever! Just squeeze the bubbles in the Bubble wrap, and feel the stress disappear with each POP...POP...POP.

So, grab a piece of bubble wrap today, and go to town!



Facts about bubble wrap

ITS ORIGINAL PURPOSE WAS AS WALLPAPER.

In 1957, in an attempt to create a textured wallpaper, engineer Alfred W. Fielding and Swiss inventor Marc Chavannes sealed two shower curtains together in such a way that air bubbles were captured, giving the wallpaper a textured appearance. But customers weren’t buying, so Fielding and Chavannes switched gears and began marketing it as greenhouse insulation instead; that, too, proved to be a failure.

sOME DENVER BOY SCOUTS SET A GUINNESS WORLD RECORD WITH BUBBLE WRAP IN 2015.

On September 19, 2015, a group of 2681 Boy Scouts from the Denver area set a Guinness World Record for Most People Popping Bubble Wrap at their annual Camporee in Elbert, Colorado.



"Just pop it in the corner," he said.
It took me three hours.







Saturday 28 January 2017

OOO lets see if I can work this out, it's

International Puzzle Day



This day celebrates puzzles of all types - jigsaws, riddles, science, maths, mechanical, and word puzzles, and of course, real life puzzles.

Puzzles are problems that are difficult to solve or require special skills to resolve. 

For example, crosswords, word search, and anagrams put a person's vocabulary and skills with a language to test. Games like Sudoku and Rubik's Cube, on the other hand, test the player's logical thinking and mathematical skills. Jigsaws develop patience, visual skills and TEMPER !

Health


In addition to being entertaining and fun, puzzles have distinct health and social benefits, especially in early childhood. 
Collaborative puzzles help children learn how to work together while learning other spatial, motor, and problem-solving skills. Studies have shown that doing puzzles can help enhance brain activity in adults. It also increases creativity and concentration, and it improves memory.

Did You Know…


That the world’s first crossword was published on December 21, 1913 in the Sunday newspaper, New York World. The puzzle was created by journalist Arthur Wayne. He was born in Liverpool, emigrated to the US and played violin in the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra.
According to the Oxford Dictionary, the origin of the word ‘puzzle’ is a bit of a puzzle. But the verb ‘to puzzle’ seems older than the noun ‘puzzle’.
The oldest known puzzle is a dissection of a square mentioned by Archimedes around 250BC. Archimedes asked how many solutions there were. The answer of 536 was only found in 2003.
Jigsaw puzzles were invented by the English mapmaker and geographer John Spilsbury in 1760.
A 40,000-piece jigsaw was completed by Dave Evans in April 2013, but it collapsed the next day.
 A 1,141,800-piece puzzle was put together by 15,000 people in Ravensburg, Germany in 2008.
The world record for solving a Rubik’s Cube puzzle is 5.5 seconds.
There are 6,670,903,752,021,072,936,960 possible solutions to sudoku puzzles.
Over 15 million Professor Layton puzzles have been sold. The Prof’s first name is Hershel.




Happy Saturday all....

Had some requests for some more poetry, a few of you have asked if I can incorporate some of my stand up material, so here you are.

Hope enjoy, feedback would be appreciated.





I went to the Dentist
He looked in my mouth
He told me the news
My teeth had gone south
He gave me the choice
Choose gold or some nickel
I made up my mind
To have cheese and pickle

When I was a boy
Of spooks was afraid
They’d plague my night
My dreams they’d invade
My mum to my room
Allaying my fears
Leave me alone
You've been dead 19 years

My granddad demised
Passed away in his sleep
A gentle way
For the reaper to reap
He did not cry 
For his life he’d not bid
Unlike the way his passengers did

I got in a fight
What a terrible fuss
A big skinhead
As I got off the bus
He growled and he cursed
And furrowed his brow
Agoraphobic he was
He said inside right now!

Humpty Dumpty
Sat On a wall
Humpty Dumpty
Had a great fall
The build of the wall
Was quite Defect
He made 10 grand
With claims direct 

If you don’t like this rhyme
Find the jokes such a crime
I’m deaf to your bleats

So stick with your Keats

Copyright Neville Raper Jan 2017



Friday 27 January 2017

Hey...Hum along it's

International Kazoo Day



Never blow your kazoo !!
Instructions here ;



People young and old love Kazoos. 

Kazoo Day celebrates the the joy of this musical instrument.

Alabama Vest of Macon Georgia made the first Kazoo in the 1840's. Actually, he conceived the Kazoo, and had Thaddeus Von Clegg, a German clockmaster make it to his specifications. 

Commercial production of the Kazoo didn't occur until many years later in 1912. 

Manufacturing was first started by Emil Sorg in Western New York. 
Sorg joined up with Michael McIntyre, a Buffalo tool and die maker. Production moved to Eden, NY where the factory museum remains today.

Kazoos are easy to play. Simply hum a tune into the kazoo, and you're an expert. Kazoos can be played solo, or in groups. It plays a great tune both ways.


Interesting Facts 

  • The shape of a kazoo is often compared to that of a submarine, and it features holes at both ends, with another in what is generally a raised cylinder on the top.
  • It is thought that the earliest form of kazoo was used by traditional African tribes to manipulate one’s voice, made of a cows’ horn and spider egg casings.
  • The name ‘kazoo’ is believed to have been given to the instrument in 1883 by inventor Warren Frost, and the word is possibly an onomatopoeia (a word that imitates a sound) of the noise that the instrument makes.
  • Kazoos were first used in a professional music recording in 1921 by the Original Dixieland Jass (or Jazz) Band, in the song ‘Crazy Blues’.

Good morning you beautiful people......guess what? today is :-

International Chocolate Cake Day


I love a cake, and really don't mind a soggy bottom.....

Take a break from healthy eating and indulge in chocolate cake by having it for every meal on this awesome food holiday.

A New Invention

Cake and chocolate, as a drink have been around since ancient times, chocolate cake is a fairly recent invention.
It is believed that the world's first chocolate cake was baked around the late 1800s after American Dr. James Baker ( ironic ) discovered that one could grind cocoa using a water powered mill.

Many Kinds

Since then, chocolate cake has rightfully become its own category of cake, with many different styles of chocolate cakes baked and consumed around the world. Some of the more popular types include German chocolate cake, Black Forest cake, chocolate fudge cake, and molten lava cake.

Did you know :

There are a lot of naturally occurring chemicals in chocolate that are either good for us or affect our mood. There’s the chemical tryptophan within chocolate, which makes us very happy.

Tryptophan (which is also found in turkey) influences the levels of endorphins in the human brain and increases the production of serotonin, which leads to elevated states of euphoria. 

So when they develop a chocolate turkey we'll be all off our heads !

***

Ancients believed chocolate was the food of the gods. Aztec and Mayan kings drank cups of warm chocolate on a regular basis, and the magical cacao bean, so valued in pre-Columbian America, was used as currency. 

So think about that next time you put chocolate coins on your Xmas tree !

***

Chocolate contains a chemical called phenylethylamine. 

Phenylethylamine releases certain “pleasure” endorphins in the brain, which make people feel good all over — similar to how they feel when they’re madly in love. While chocolate might not be a perfect love substitute, it’s one of the best alternates you’ll find produced in mass quantity.

***



Percy Spence, a scientist working on WWII radar and weapons projects, happened to be a big fan of chocolate. After spending some time near a formidable device called a magnetron, he noticed the chocolate bar he’d been keeping in his pocket had turned to mush.

He quickly put two and two together and realized magnetrons might be able to heat up food at incredibly fast rates, and voilĂ , the microwave oven was born.




I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.



Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex: - You can GET chocolate. - Chocolate satisfies even when it's gone soft. - You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. - You can have chocolate in in public. - If you bite the nuts, the chocolate won't mind. - The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. - You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. - No need to fake your enjoyment of chocolate. - Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. - You can have chocolate at any time of the month. - You are never too young or too old for chocolate. - Size doesn't matter - though more is still better.





Tuesday 24 January 2017

Well hello, my but you look great today, it brilliant to see you, and how clever of you to find my blog, yes its :-

International Compliment Day

Today is a great opportunity to say something positive about the people you come into contact with. Everyone has some good attributes. ...errrmm....... everyone.
Its easy to find compliments for family and loved ones, even for your Mother-in-Law. (Tip: Just look at any Les Dawson Joke.)

Friends are friends because you see something good about them. Here's an easy compliment to a friend: "Wow, you're very intelligent...you choose your friends wisely".

It's more challenging to compliment your boss, or people you don't like. Take up the challenge, and find a compliment for them today, ......

For example "you're a great boss.............can I have a rise?"






Benefits Of Giving Good Compliments


Makes You Happier


It feels great to give compliments. Sure, if you force yourself to say something nice, you may not be any happier. But when you truly feel that someone deserves a compliment and you give it to them, you become happier.

Builds Self-Esteem

Sometimes complimenting others can be challenging.
It takes a certain amount of cojones to go up to someone and say something nice about them. By actually doing it, you show yourself that you have what it takes to impact the lives of other people.
On top of that, a genuine compliment involves noticing the good in other people. As you become more proficient, you get better at seeing positive aspects of yourself.
This is a simple matter of practicing the art of giving compliments regularly.

Make Someone Else’s Day And They Might Make Your’s

Of course, your compliment isn’t intended to make you feel better; it is supposed to make someone else feel better.
But when you make the people around you happier, you can get some pretty sweet side benefits.
Hairstylists compared the tips they got when they complimented their customers versus when they did not compliment them. In this study, tips were significantly higher when the hairstylists used compliments.


Monday 23 January 2017

This is the One !!  It's :

International Pie Day

Today is the day we celebrate things cooked in pastry !
Who doesn't love a pie !?


The centre for pies in the UK is Wigan.
Here's a typical Wigan wedding cake :


The most famous comic book pie eater is Desperate Dan from the Dandy comic book. He was created in 1937 !



Facts about pie :-

Technically, everything used to be a pie

Originally, the pie's pastry shell was designed to be used as a baking dish, storage container, and a way to serve the filling. Records show that Romans would use meats, oysters, mussels and fish as the filling and a mixture of flour, oil and water to keep it all in place. The pastry was often tough and inedible and was designed to be thrown away.
Some historians suggest it was given to the servants while the rich ate the contents.

Shakespeare has killed off two characters with pie

A recent study compiled all of Shakespeare's 74 scripted deaths throughout his 38 plays. Among them are stabbings (30), poisonings (four), be-headings (three), and two poor souls had the most creative death of all: they were baked into a pie.
In Titus Andronicus (Shakespeare's first tragedy), Titus Andronicus wreaks revenge on Queen Tamora and her family for their evil deeds by baking her sons into a pie and serving it to her.

There's a world-famous pie-eating contest in the UK

Held at Harry's Bar in Wigan, the annual World Pie Eating Championship has been going since 1992. Originally, contestants had to attempt to eat as many pies as possible within the given time limit, but this was changed in 2006 - in order to meet government healthy eating guidelines - to a race in which competitors vie to eat a single pie in the least amount of time.

The real-life Sweeney Todds 

The tale of Sweeney Todd and Mrs Lovett, the murderous duo who baked their victims in pies and then sold them, might be fictional, but it appears people have been taking inspiration from it in real life.
In 2010, a Russian chef was arrested on suspicion of killing his father-in-law, and serving his remains in pies to customers in a popular cafe for three days before anyone realised. 

Pie Jokes !
What is the best thing to put into a pie?
-Your teeth
Why did the pie cross the road?
-He was meat an potato
What is a ghost's favourite dessert?
-Boo-berry pie with I-scream
What is a maths teacher's favourite food?
-Pi
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie?
-Puff pastry
What was Isaac Newton's favourite dessert?
-Apple pi
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pie?
-A pie-thon!
What was the name of the canary that flew into the pastry dish?
-Tweetie Pie