Stand Up

Had some requests for some more poetry, a few of you have asked if I can incorporate some of my stand up material, so here you are.

Hope enjoy, feedback would be appreciated.

I went to the Dentist

He looked in my mouth

He told me the news

My teeth had gone south

He gave me the choice

Choose gold or some nickel

I made up my mind

To have cheese and pickle

When I was a boy

Of spooks was afraid

They’d plague my night

My dreams they’d invade

My mum to my room

Allaying my fears

Leave me alone

You've been dead 19 years

My granddad demised

Passed away in his sleep

A gentle way

For the reaper to reap

He did not cry 

For his life he’d not bid

Unlike the way his passengers did

I got in a fight

What a terrible fuss

A big skinhead

As I got off the bus

He growled and he cursed

And furrowed his brow

Agoraphobic he was

He said inside right now!

Humpty Dumpty

Sat On a wall

Humpty Dumpty

Had a great fall

The build of the wall

Was quite Defect

He made 10 grand

With claims direct 

If you don’t like this rhyme

Find the jokes such a crime

I’m deaf to your bleats

So stick with your Keats

The Top 10 Richest Comedians in the World

10. Sebastian Maniscalo: $15.0 Million

9. Jeff Dunham: $15.0 Million

#8. Terry Fator: $18.5 Million

#7. Jim Gaffigan: $30.5 Million

#6. Kevin Hart: $32.5 Million

#5. Amy Schumer: $37.5 Million

4. Dave Chappelle: $47.0 Million

#3. Louis C.K.: $52.0 Million

#2. Chris Rock: $57.0 Million

#1. Jerry Seinfeld: $69.0 Million

But who is the richest UK stand up in 2017 :-

John Bishop - £7 Million

Random Joke of the Day

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card? Me: 12 pt. Arial bold?

Bargain Book

Did you get a kindle or e-book reader for Xmas? Then as a New Years gift from me you can now buy

my recent release, "Tales of the Unexpected" for the amazing low price of £1.99 (cheaper than a cup

of coffee) 

CHECK OUT THE 5 STAR REVIEWS -

B Silver
5.0 out of 5 stars

Great diverse short stories
28 October 2019
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
Love this writer I bought his previous books and in my opinion this is the best so far. The stories are much more diverse than the others. For a book of short stories there are a lot there, great to pop in and read as and when you want to. Read mine on the train, I laughed out loud at one point making my fellow passengers jump out of their seats. Recommended read....

YOU CAN FIND IT ON AMAZON NOW !

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07YSVC6TT…

Coal not Dole

Coal Not Dole

In Today's Issue

Coal
Coale Not Dole
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Random Joke

COAL

I work in the dark, deep underground

I toil in the muck where all light is drowned

In the dirt and the dust

I hack and I pick.

Shovel and crawl

My blood it runs thick

My skin eats the dirt

Tattooed with coal

The carbon that eats

Right down to my soul

But now it’s all gone

On a political whim

We import our power

From some pseudonym

The men were so proud

To toil for their pay

To ensure we had the means

To turn night into day

They worked underground they worked in their sweat

We owed them more, forever in debt

The 1984 Miners' Strike was a last attempt by the mining unions to stop mining closures and the loss of jobs.

The biggest strike in the post-war era (at its height, 142,000 mineworkers were involved), it was also one of the bitterest industrial disputes in British history

The strike ended on 3 March 1985 with the NUM having failed to achieve concessions from the government

In March 1984 more than 187,000 miners came out on strike when the National Coal Board announced that 20 pits in England would have to close with the loss of 20,000 jobs.

It was the start of one of the most confrontational strikes ever seen, marred by picket line violence and clashes between police and miners.

Miners in Nottinghamshire, Derbyshire and Leicestershire eventually followed Yorkshire pits and came out on strike. 

But some miners continued to work and were branded as "scabs" by their colleagues when they crossed picket lines.

The Government branded the striking miners as "the enemy within".

When the strike ended 12 months later, it was estimated that the total cost had been £3 billion.

Over 11,000 people had been arrested, and around 5,000 miners stood trial for a variety of offences.

Many of the threatened closures took place in 1992.

Mining communities throughout the country were scarred, and many never fully recovered.

It was the end of the industry that had once been the backbone of industrial Britain.

Collapse of an industry

In 1984 there were 170 collieries in Britain, employing more than 190,000 people.

The last deep coal mine closed, in Yorkshire, in 2015.

THAT'S AMAAAAAAAAZING

The record for filling a 508 kg (0.5 ton) hopper with coal using a banjo shovel by a team of two is 14.8 seconds, by Brian Coghlan and Piet Groot (both New Zealand) at the opening of the Brunner Bridge, South Island, New Zealand, on 27 March 2004.

Random Joke of the DayI’m getting on a bit, but I’ve still got it. I just can’t quite remember where I put it.

Bargain Book

Did you get a kindle or e-book reader for Xmas? Then as a New Years gift from me you can now buy

my recent release, "Tales of the Unexpected" for the amazing low price of £1.99 (cheaper than a cup

of coffee) 

CHECK OUT THE 5 STAR REVIEWS -

B Silver
5.0 out of 5 starsGreat diverse short stories
28 October 2019
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
Love this writer I bought his previous books and in my opinion this is the best so far. The stories are much more diverse than the others. For a book of short stories there are a lot there, great to pop in and read as and when you want to. Read mine on the train, I laughed out loud at one point making my fellow passengers jump out of their seats. Recommended read....

YOU CAN FIND IT ON AMAZON NOW !

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07YSVC6TT…

Bar Non

Bar Non

In Today's Pub(lic) Post

Bar Room Bants
Pubs
That's Amaaaaaaaazing
Random Joke

Two old men, probably not much older than me shout their history over a bar, there is a six foot exclusion zone between them. Is this their punching distance, just in case.

One of the men wears Adidas jogging bottoms, he may have been a member of Run DMC.

The other has an expansive white beard, the Santa Clause of alcoholics.

Microwaved food whizzes past me almost as fast as it was cooked.

Mostly men, some shopping women.

Some eat, they look clean for their repast. The ones that drink look trampy. I’m drinking.

A blonde girl walks past me, impossibly thin, her miscoloured hair extensions swing in line with her spray on jeans. She carries to pints of cheap lager. The glasses scream the beers name, overcompensating for its poorness. I do hope she gets much needed calories from the booze.

Old men grasping carrier bags from discount stores shuffle in. I wonder how many times this “bag for life” has been used now that they are 5p. In one I can see a tin of store brand beans and a small white loaf. The staple diet of a lonely drunk.

The barmaid in clipped blonde hair chews gum as she absently mindedly serving her flock.

I’m checked out by everyone who passes. I’d like to believe it’s my dashing good looks, when really they wonder what I am writing. Maybe I’m from the DWP checking up on them. The government want them to eat cake I say let them block out their lives as the working class always have.

The great drinking classes looking through the end of myopic glasses.

And still they come with sticks and caps shouting their hello’s as they enter. I like the anti-social society in here. Nothing, has nothing to prove.

No peacock boys with bants in their pants here. No one is trying to flirt, the only thing worth pulling is the beer tap.

“Hey” one man shouts his goodbye. I feel like I’m in a sitcom, “Cheers” in a recession.

I measure time by gulps of ale, I swear me clock has stopped.

The glass doors are tinted making outside look even grimier. The pub shouts “why not stay in here where it’s as warm as the beer”

A Chinese couple perhaps lost or on the great tourist trail to great deprived towns, they argue animatedly. The man bows to his tiny chirping wife, she has to be 4 foot 7 if an inch, and I’m scared of her too.

Buses slide by outside all condensation, the passengers stare from their aquarium into mine. Is it envy they see in their eyes?

I drink and think alone. My Dad used to do the same. As I reach the age that he died I start to see the attraction. I don’t have to have to entertain to keep people amused, no need to force my concentration on things I don’t want to. I can do what I think I do best, watch and listen.

I’ve always been able to read people like a book, it’s taken me 50 odd years to realise I’m a librarian.

The door squeaks as someone walks in, you think it would be well oiled.

An alcoholic or a drink issue, today I’m on issue 55,000. On a plus side I don’t smoke, I watch the puffers outside like cigarette castaways. People walk through their smoky sauna to enter. Second class smoke causes first class cancer.

A man in a cheap suit but no coat helps his wife with her own. An old school gent in a thrift store suit. His wife walks out with her NHS walking stick, no aesthetics for arthritics’ just basic function. After all, we all want to know who the poor are don’t we.

Two studenty girls, probably roughing it, stroll in, like catwalk pissheads. They are obviously disappointed when no one looks to check them out. They make their way to the toilets to see why.

At five foot 9 I’m no giant, but I seem to tower over the clientele. It would appear that washing your internal organs in beer may shrink you. A warmer wash perhaps, I’ll drink whisky, just in case.

The two student girlies leave without buying a drink they weren’t impressed by the exhibits or the d not feed the animals sign.

My glass runs empty but my pen does not.

 Eight out of 10 adults count themselves as pub goers and more than 15 million people drink in a pub at least once a week.

There are approximately 54,000 pubs in the UK.

–– ADVERTISEMENT ––

More than 600,000 people rely on pubs for their employment.

The longest Pub name in England is: "The Old Thirteenth Cheshire Astley Volunteer Rifleman Corps Inn in Stalybridge", in Greater Manchester.

In Scotland many pubs fashion themselves as "hotels" because until 1976 Scottish law decreed that only hotels could serves alcohol on Sundays.

Even as long ago as 965 AD the government stepped in to curb Britain's drinking habits, when King Edgar passed a law stating that there should be no more than one alehouse per village.

The use of animals as pubs names was introduced because at the time most of the country was illiterate. This resulted in pictures of swans, horses or dogs being used to mark houses where beer was brewed.

The most popular pub name in Britain is the "Red Lion", with "The Crown" following closely behind.

That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing

Bruce Masters (UK) has visited 46,495 pubs and various drinking establishments since 1960, sampling the local brew where available, as of 29 January 2014.

Oliver Reed once said, "I want to drink in every pub and sleep with every woman"

Random Joke of the Day

I keep having recurring nightmares about fruit machines. My wife has been really supportive, she wakes me up with a nudge, and then holds me.

Bargain Book

Did you get a kindle or e-book reader for Xmas? Then as a New Years gift from me you can now buy

my recent release, "Tales of the Unexpected" for the amazing low price of £1.99 (cheaper than a cup

of coffee) 

CHECK OUT THE 5 STAR REVIEWS -

B Silver
5.0 out of 5 starsGreat diverse short stories
28 October 2019
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
Love this writer I bought his previous books and in my opinion this is the best so far. The stories are much more diverse than the others. For a book of short stories there are a lot there, great to pop in and read as and when you want to. Read mine on the train, I laughed out loud at one point making my fellow passengers jump out of their seats. Recommended read....

YOU CAN FIND IT ON AMAZON NOW !

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07YSVC6TT…

International Nothing Day

International Nothing Day

In Today's Not Quite There Issue

International Nothing Day
Nothing
Nothingness
That's Amaaaazing
Random Joke

Bargain Book
National Nothing Day is quite simply... a day for nothing.
This day is an "un-event". The expectation is that we do not create or otherwise promote this day. In other words, we do nothing. And, to say anything more would contradict the purpose of this day.
Celebrate this day by doing....nothing. Of course, that assumes that doing nothing is okay with your boss.

I'm Without

Nothing, nada, nowt

An absence, a void

A gap, whiteness, blackness

Does that quote Freud?

A Vacuum, a distance

Zero, zilch

Nobody, nothing, naught

A skip or a glitch

Oblivion, obliteration

Diddly squat

No mark, no score

No living inkspot

Nihilist, nix

Nullity, empty, bare

I looked for myself

But I wasn’t there.

Nothingness 

There is vastly more nothing than something. Roughly 74 percent of the universe is “nothing,” or what physicists call dark energy; 22 percent is dark matter, particles we cannot see. Only 4 percent is baryonic matter, the stuff we call something.

And even something is mostly nothing. Atoms overwhelmingly consist of empty space. Matter’s solidity is an illusion caused by the electric fields created by subatomic particles.

There is more and more nothing every second. In 1998 astronomers measuring the expansion of the universe determined that dark energy is pushing apart the universe at an ever-accelerating speed. The discovery of nothing—and its ability to influence the fate of the cosmos—is considered the most important astronomical finding of the past decade.

But even nothing has a weight. The energy in dark matter is equivalent to a tiny mass; there is about one pound of dark energy in a cube of empty space 250,000 miles on each side.

In space, no one can hear you scream: Sound, a mechanical wave, cannot travel through a vacuum. Without matter to vibrate through, there is only silence.

Light can travel through a vacuum, but there is nothing to refract it. Alas for extraterrestrial romantics, stars do not twinkle in outer space.

Black holes are not holes or voids; they are the exact opposite of nothing, being the densest concentration of mass known in the universe.

“Zero” was first seen in cuneiform tablets written around 300 B.C. by Babylonians who used it as a placeholder (to distinguish 36 from 306 or 360, for example). The concept of zero in its mathematical sense was developed in India in the fifth century.

Any number divided by zero is . . . nothing, not even zero. The equation is mathematically impossible.

Vacuums do not suck things. They create spaces into which the surrounding atmosphere pushes matter.

Creatio ex nihilo, the belief that the world was created out of nothing, is one of the most common themes in ancient myths and religions.

Current theories suggest that the universe was created out of a state of vacuum energy, that is, nothing.

But to a physicist there is no such thing as nothing. Empty space is instead filled with pairs of particles and antiparticles, called virtual particles, that quickly form and then, in accordance with the law of energy conservation, annihilate each other in about 10-25 second.

These virtual particles popping in and out of existence create energy. In fact, according to quantum mechanics, the energy contained in all the power plants and nuclear weapons in the world doesn’t equal the theoretical energy contained in the empty spaces between these words.

In other words, nothing could be the key to the theory of everything.

That's Amaaaaaaaaazing

"Borrowing" your neighbor's Wifi is illegal in Singapore.

Random Joke of the Day

My doctor asked me how I felt after swallowing 3 caterpillars . 

"I've got butterflies in my stomach", I replied!

Bargain Book

Did you get a kindle or e-book reader for Xmas? Then as a New Years gift from me you can now buy

my recent release, "Tales of the Unexpected" for the amazing low price of £1.99 (cheaper than a cup

of coffee) 

CHECK OUT THE 5 STAR REVIEWS -

B Silver
5.0 out of 5 starsGreat diverse short stories
28 October 2019
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
Love this writer I bought his previous books and in my opinion this is the best so far. The stories are much more diverse than the others. For a book of short stories there are a lot there, great to pop in and read as and when you want to. Read mine on the train, I laughed out loud at one point making my fellow passengers jump out of their seats. Recommended read....

YOU CAN FIND IT ON AMAZON NOW !

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07YSVC6TT…

Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini

In Today's Swimsuit Special

Men in swimsuits
Bikini
That's Amaaaaaazing
Random Joke

Could I wear a bikini?

Could I wear a thong?

At six foot three and eighteen stone

Would it look soooo wrong?

Teeny tiny garments

Barely swim suits

Their style and shapes

Belay their ethnic roots

Italians and the French

Wear teeny little pants

The English with their

Tattoo’s and sweary cheerful bants

Tiny shitey whities

With junk crammed in

Budgie smugglers content jugglers

Too much in the tin

All in the name

Of vanity

Make me shout

Profanities

The human body

So beautiful and complex

But they always look better

On the opposite sex !

The oldest documented bikinis show up in a 1,700 year old Roman mosaic entitled Chamber of the Ten Maidens.

Brooklyn-based designer Andrew Schneider invented the first solar powered bikini—the “iKini”—which produces enough electricity to power an iPod during a sunny day at the beach. Just remember to unplug it, the inventor says, before taking a dip.

The famous white belted bikini worn by Ursula Andress in the 1962 James Bond hit Dr. No sold for £31,500 at Christie's in London in 2001. Halle Barry modeled a redux of a similar suit in the 2002 Bond flick, Die Another Day.

French designer Jacques Heim’s first itsy-bitsy bathing suit hit the fashion scene in 1946. Tapping into the worldwide obsession with nuclear physics, he named his tiny invention the “atom.” A few months later, another French designer, Louis Reard, one-upped Heim, revealing an even tinier suit, which he dubbed the “bikini” after Bikini Atoll, the island in the Pacific where the U.S. had tested the atom bomb. The new swimsuit, it was said, was as small as an atom and just as powerful.

The 19th-century version of a bikini was made out of either heavy flannel or wool—fabrics that would not be transparent when wet—and covered the entire body from neck to toe. The suits were so heavy that women had to hold onto ropes strung from the beach to offshore buoys to keep from sinking.

The bikini rocketed to fame in 1960 with Brian Hyland’s hit single, “Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini.” 

In 2009, a group of vegetarian ladies campaigned in international cities wearing bikinis made only of lettuce leaves. The “Lettuce Ladies” as they were called were sponsored by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, and hoped to convince people to adopt a meatless diet.

In 1993, the Olympic Committee decreed the bikini the official uniform for women’s beach volleyball, partly because of the functionality of the suit. Athletes complain that when wearing more conventional uniform—the one-piece, for instance—“sand goes down the top and collects in the bottom," Holly McPeak, a three-time Olympic vollyballer told ABC News. 

That's Amaaaaaaaaazing

The largest bikini photo shoot involved 3,090 participants for an event organised by Huludao Municipal Government, on Longwan Beach,Huludao, Liao Ning Province, China, on 17 August 2011

Random Joke of the Day

"I'm proud of you for going to the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting last night," said my wife. "Ah," I thought, "so that's where I was."