Witches Knickers

In Today's Hubble Bubble Issue

Guest Poet - The Awesome Anne Rhodes - Witches Knickers
Witches
That's Amaaaaazing
The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow
Random Joke
(Medical) Word (To your Mother)
Join the Revolution.

Today's Guest
Anne Rhodes

I heard on the radio, the other night, 
Of the undies the witches leave behind
As they skim down low from a scary height
On whatever old transport they can find.

Don't ever believe those who swear as true
That broomsticks are all that witches can ride
Because when they're stuck, an old cloud will do
As transport across the dark countryside.

It's when the wind blows through the bare tree twigs
That they lose their knickers for all to see.
They ride far too close, hands holding their wigs,
Then modesty's gone with a one, two, three 

What you think you see are thin plastic bags
Twisted and torn caught on those twigs so bare  
But in truth they're the pants, now blown to rags, 
Of the witches who forgot to take care.

They rushed on their broomsticks and scraped their knees
Playing chase with their friends from high to low.
They snagged their knickers on those wintry trees
all modesty gone - they've no shame, you know!

You weren't sure that flying witches exist.
There's proof for you with their knickers flapping            
On all the branches in a plastic mist.
Those witches who play and cheer whilst clapping!

© Anne Rhodes 2015

The word ‘witch’ comes from the Saxon ‘wicca’, meaning ‘wise one’.

In Saudi Arabia, witchcraft and sorcery can still be punished by the death penalty. (Mind you I'm sure that goes for most things in Saudi?)

In 16th and 17th-century Europe an estimated 60,000 people were put to death for witchcraft. (and yet me ex wife still survives)

Matthew Hopkins (c.1620-1647), was England’s Witchfinder General. He and his assistants were paid at a rate of £5 per witch detected.

The last alleged witches hanged in the UK were Mary Hicks and her daughter Elizabeth, aged 9, in 1716; the last in Scotland was Janet Horne in 1727. (It's funny how they got put to death within 15 mins of each other!)

In 2008, a court in Switzerland cleared the name of Anna Goldi, who was beheaded for witchcraft in 1782, the last alleged witch executed in Europe.(She instantly came back to life wearing her pointy hat and thanked them)

In England, convicted witches were hanged; in Scotland and the rest of Europe, they were burnt at the stake, sometimes after being strangled.

Nineteen people were hanged was witches in 1692 in Salem, Massachusetts. It is still not known where they were buried. (errrm underground?)

Only one of the three witches in Shakespeare’s Macbeth is named: she is called Hecate.

Hecate was the Greek goddess of witchcraft. (Shakespeare, what a name dropper)

THAT'S AMAAAAAAZING

The largest gathering of people dressed as witches is 1,607 and was achieved by La Bruixa d'Or (Spain), in Sort, Lleida, Spain, on 16 November 2013.

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow


Following an acrimonious court case, half of ex UB40 members have been banned from using the groups name. So, you can catch them live at the Martin Luther Kings Head in Smethwick tonight performing under the name of ...P45.

Random Joke of the Day

I've just read a book called How To Give Constructive Criticism and it was rubbish

(Medical) Word (To your Mother)

Getting the wind knocked out of you

This feels bad, but doesn’t last very long. Just a transient diaphragmatic spasm.

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Another School Shooting

In Today's Issue


Guns
Guns don't kill people
Phobia
The thoughts of Chairman Anyhow
Finish with a Song

Americans own approximately 270 million guns, which gives America the highest rate of gun ownership with, 89 guns for every 100 people.

Approximately 20% of gun owners own 65% of the guns.

The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms reports that about 9.3 million firearms were manufactured in the United States in 2015

Gun-related deaths are now the third leading cause of death of American children.

Every day, 7 children are killed and 12 more are injured with a gun.

44% of Americans say they personally know someone who has been shot with a gun, either accidentally or intentionally.

About 40% of Americans say they own a gun or live in a household with one, according to a 2017 survey, and the rate of murder or manslaughter by firearm is the highest in the developed world. There were more than 11,000 deaths as a result of murder or manslaughter involving a firearm in 2016.

Who has the most guns

Three of the largest mass killings in the USA have been in the last year.

When there is a mass shooting sales of guns increase.

Guns don’t kill people

People kill people

Churches have roofs

Some have steeples

So then a man

Like a disciple

solves an argument

with an automatic rifle

A place of god of

community and peace

Blood ran on

The holy fleece

The flock of God

To the abattoir's slaughter

All for the hate of

Some man's daughter

Guns don’t kill people

But they make it quick

Wholesale murder

By the sick

the number of school shootings that have happened since the year 2000 around the world: ENGLAND: 0 GREECE: 1 NETHERLANDS: 1 SPAIN: 1 INDIA: 1 ARGENTINA: 1 RUSSIA: 1 CHINA: 3 MEXICO: 4 AUSTRALIA: 5 CANADA: 5 GERMANY: 5 SOUTH AFRICA: 5 USA: 213

Hoplophobia is a political neologism coined by retired American military officer Jeff Cooper as a pejorative to describe an "irrational aversion to weapons." It is also used to describe the "fear of firearms" or the "fear of armed citizens." Hoplophobia is a political term and not a recognised medical phobia. 

My thoughts go to those murdered in Texas. For whatever senseless reason, children, in their place of learning, had their lives snuffed out. 

I do not live in America so do not feel qualified to comment about their domestic laws. However, American statistics have shown that, since January this year, there has been a spree killing every week. Given this figure, surely, at least questions about gun ownership should be raised.

This week many more will lose, Mothers, Fathers, Sons and Daughters...and for all of you my heart bleeds.

Whatever or whoever your God is, may he or it go with you.

Finish with a Song

This Amazing Grace...

My Big Hairy Toes

In Today's Smelly Issue

My Toes

Toe Facts..!!!

That's Amaaaazing

Random Joke

(Medical) Word to your Mother

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow

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Wiggle my toes

Just see if I can

I quite like my feet

In fact, I'm a fan

My big toe is huge

And a little bit hairy

I'm not sure it's mine

I think it’s too scary

Perhaps at some time

My foot it was chewed

By a werewolf mistaking

my tootsies for  food

Or I may be a hobbit

But I think I'm too tall

Or a clown with big shoes

With a nose like a ball

So I'll wiggle my toes

And throw off my socks

Boy I live on the “edge”

My life it sure rocks

One quarter of your body’s bones are in your feet. Each normal foot has 33 joints, 26 bones, 19 muscles, and 107 ligaments. (Some people have 28 bones in each foot, and people born with extra toes, thanks to polydactylism, have even more.)

If your whole foot touches the floor when you stand, you have flat feet. Young children usually have them, because their foot bones, tendons, and ligaments haven’t yet formed arches.

It’s normal for some people to never develop arches, but flat feet can cause pain. On the other hand, well-aligned flat feet can be helpful, because they support the body’s weight over a bigger area.

Fully 75 percent of people have foot problems. For example, 60 percent of foot injuries in people 18 and over are sprains and strains.

In other, grosser news, 5 percent of Americans have corns and callouses, and the same number have fungal infections of the feet and ingrown toenails.

Speaking of toenails, they grow much more slowly than fingernails do.

Skin on the soles of your feet is thicker than it is anywhere else on you.

Each foot has more than 250,000 sweat glands, and they can produce up to half a pint of moisture a day!

Walking is the best exercise for your feet, and it’s also a great way to get overall exercise for your body: it boosts circulation and helps you burn calories.

Standing still is way more tiring than walking, because you only use a few muscles when you’re still, whereas walking distributes the weight and effort over more muscles.

THAT'S AMAAAAZING

Robert Wadlow (USA, 1918 - 1940), the tallest ever man, wore US size 37AA shoes (UK size 36 or approximately a European size 75), equivalent to 47cm (18½ in) long.

RANDOM JOKE OF THE DAY

Bought some shoes made out of Lego,  now when you step on a piece of Lego it doesn’t hurt. You just get taller.

(Medical) Word to your Mother

Ingrown toenail

If you want to go Greek, it’s onychocryptosis (“hidden nail”), but if you prefer Latin, stick with unguis incarnatus (“nail in flesh”).


THE THOUGHTS OF CHAIRMAN ANYHOW...

I wonder if when Marcel Marceau fills official forms out if he always ticks the 'Prefer not to say' box.

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Song for a Bomb

In Today's Explosive Issue

Song for a Bomb
"Fun Facts" about the Bomb
That's Amaaaaazing
Random Joke
Medical Word ( to your Mother )
Guest Poet
The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow

SONG FOR THE BOMB

No need to whistle

For a heat seeking missile

No needs to cry

Its death from the sky

They’re not quite specific

But results are horrific

Hospitals and schools

War crime rules?

Hit em with some gas

When questioned just say pass

It’s all fake news

Do they take us all for fools?

Social media lies

Facebook Twitter fines

Mainstream can’t be trusted

And papers they’ve been busted

So what’s real what’s not?

Is it society’s death and rot?

Who is right who is wrong?

Hey don’t worry X Factors on!

FUN FACTS ABOUT THE BOMB - ( No irony here )

• You might expect Japan to glow in the dark for 57 years after two atomic blasts. But they are not because the bombs were detonated in the air not on the ground.
• Lucky to survive one atomic bomb? But two — a Japanese man did survive both Hiroshima and Nagasaki. He’s rethinking his travel agency.
• A Hiroshima survivor won the Boston Marathon in 1951. 
• Fat Man was the codename for the Nagasaki bomb and Little Boy was the Hiroshima bomb.
• The citizens of Kokura, Japan are happy that the bomb intended for them ended up in Nagasaki instead.
• Another survivor of the Hiroshima attack was a Bonsai tree planted in 1626. It’s current home is a US Museum.
• When it rains it pours. First the bombing of Hiroshima than a month later a typhoon kills an additional 2,000 citizens.
• The atomic bombs were good but we can always improve. In 1962 a hydrogen bomb, 100 times more powerful than Hiroshima, was detonated in space.
• Visitors to Las Vegas in the 50s loved to take in atomic bomb tests — a major tourist attraction.
• In an effort to heat up the cold war the US considered dropping an atomic bomb on the moon — just to show off how bad they were.
• Big things come in small packages. Matter weighing about the same as a paper clip generated the power of the Hiroshima bomb.
• Russia leads the league in atomic weaponry with over 8,400 nuclear weapons.
• There is a museum on the site of the first atomic bomb testing site in New Mexico. Due to radiation it’s only open 12 hours per year.

THAT'S AMAAAAAAZING

Sergeant Major Karl Ley (UK), of 11 Explosive Ordnance Disposal Regiment of the British Army, has made safe 139 improvised explosive devices (IEDs) planted by the Taliban during a six-month tour in Helmand Province, Afghanistan, and been awarded the UK George Medal. According to the medal citation, he has cleared more IEDs than any other operator in history. In one three-day period, he removed an incredible 42 bombs form a village outside the town of Grereshk. The George Medal is the second highest gallantry that a civilan can be awarded in the UK and it may be awarded to military personnel if their act does not qualify for a military gallantry award.

RANDOM JOKE OF THE DAY

I got ran over by a hire van earlier. Hertz.

Medical Word ( to your Mother )

Ice cream headache

Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia. Say it five times fast to warm up your mouth and relieve the brain freeze.

GUEST POET

Today's Guest is the brilliant Jaki Spencer

SEEN

I have seen two grandchildren born 

A miracle is every birth

I have seen the breaking dawn

On this our beautiful earth.

I have seen grief in a mother's eyes

When words are not enough

I have seen the sick arise

Their first step so tough.

I have seen the waves wash over rocks

Foamy water refreshing the sand

I have seen the floating dandelion clocks

Blown from a child's hand.

I have seen what a kindness can do

When there is a friend in need

I have seen that tea for two

Can help that friend indeed.

The Thoughts of Chairman Anyhow

It's been reported on the news today that Meghan Markle's stepsister has stated that no one is going to stop her saying what she likes to the press. I take it she's not familiar with the Duke of Edinburgh and his way of working.

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FLASH FICTION

In Today's Fast Issue

Flash Fiction
10 Minutes Late
The number 10
Random Joke
(Medical Word) to Your Mother
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Flash fiction is fictional work of extreme brevity that still offers character and plot development. Identified varieties, many of them defined by word count, include the six-word story,the 280-character story (also known as "twitterature"), the "dribble" (also known as the "minisaga"; 50 words),the "drabble" (also known as "microfiction"; 100 words),"sudden fiction" (750 words),flash fiction (1,000 words), nanotale, and "micro-story".

Some commentators have suggested that flash fiction possesses a unique literary quality, in its ability to hint at or imply a larger story.

10 Minutes Late

I was recently asked to produce something based upon the theme of 10 minutes late.

Here it is :-

10 minutes late – I cradle her lifeless cold body in my arms. Empty of blood she feels like a deflated copy of her living self.

9 minutes late – I plunge my arms into the water, my sleeves are dyed red by the expulsion of life.

8 minutes late – I kick open the locked bathroom door, I see splinters dance and spin.

7 minutes late – I find her letter, a farewell. She’s never done this before.

6 minutes late – I open the front door, her house normally so chaotic is now deathly quiet. I call her name

5 minutes late – I pull up sharply onto her drive, my car kicks up small clouds of dust, they float up and cloy at my car.

4 minutes late – I pull into the lane that is least populated. A fat ham faced man gives me the finger. Given my current mood he doesn’t realise how dangerous that is…for him.

3 minutes late – I turn my engine on and sigh

2 minutes late – I slam down the phone. It’s always the same with her....’I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna do that’ the wolf that cried. One day I won’t respond.

1 minute late – “I can’t live without you John, I’ve had enough.” She drones on and on and on.

Ten facts on Ten

1. The Roman numeral for 10 is X, which looks like two V’s (the Roman numeral for five) put together
2. Babies need 10 hours of sleep a day (if you were a squirrel you’d need 15)
3. If you have 10 fingers you are decadactylous and if you have 10 teeth you are decemdentate
4. Although the word ‘decimate’ is often used as a synonym for obliterate, the correct meaning of the this verb is ‘to reduce by a tenth’
5. In the Bible, the number 10 is used 242 times
6. There are 10 vowels in the Korean alphabet
7. The traditional 10th anniversary gift is tin, while the modern gift for a 10th anniversary is diamonds – definite proof of inflation
8. Pythagoras considered 10 to be the most sacred number, as 10 = 1+2+3+4, which represented existence (1), creation (2), life (3) and the four elements: earth, air, fire and water (4)
9. In Roman times, punishment for cowardice or mutiny was applied by killing one in 10 men in a cohort
10. Ten per cent of the world is left-handed.

RANDOM JOKE
I hate people with frostbite.
I think I may be lack toes intolerant.

(Medical Word) to Your Mother

With a big thanks to ex nurse Anne Rhodes

fancy medical terms for commonplace problems.

1. Limb falling asleep

That numb feeling that you wake to when you’ve slept on your arm wrong is obdormition. It is followed by a pricking, tingling sensation called paresthesia.

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Just Like Buses

Just Like Buses
Buses
That's Amaaaaazing
Random Joke of the Day
Word..to your Mother

Just Like Buses...

This year I shall be releasing three...yes that's right, three new books :-

Tales to Unravel

New tales of twisty fun, double the size, double the shocks.
Release date June/July 2018


The Further Foughts of Chairman Anyhow

A follow up to the successful book of fun and poetry....more rhymes, more crimes.

and finally...

Forget Me Not

A sadistic murderer a retired dectective, sounds simple? well just you wait.

Buses

Before 1907 London buses were in different colours to signify their route. 

The first London bus service was established in 1829 and ran between Paddington and Bank. It carried 22 people and was pulled by three horses.

During the First World War some London buses were modified to transport carrier pigeons.

‘Bus’ is an abbreviation of ‘omnibus’, the Latin for ‘for all’, as they were transport for all people.

In 1834, Charles Dickens wrote an essay called ‘Omnibuses’ praising them... 

...“of all known vehicles, from the glass-coach in which we were taken to be christened, to that sombre caravan in which we must one day make our last earthly journey, there is nothing like an omnibus” (Dickens). 

The lowest number not used by a London bus is 218. 

All lower numbers may be found, but 218, 239 and 278 are the only missing numbers below 300. 

The word ‘omnibus’ was first recorded in English in 1829. ‘Bus’ first appeared in 1832.

That's Amaaaaaaaazing

The most people crammed on an unmodified bus is 229 and was achieved by the Faculty of Mechanical Engineering of the Krakow University of Technology in Krakow, Poland, on 1 June 2011. The bus took a 75-metre journey lasting 57 seconds with all 229 passengers inside.

Random Joke


I went to the Dentist yesterday he said, "I'm going to give you helium gas."
I asked if it would stop me feeling any pain?"
"No," he replied, "but when you scream it'll be hilarious."

Word to your Mother
Word of the day: DER ABSCHIEDSHEULER - (German) a man who weeps when saying goodbye.

TTTTTTTTTTThat's all Folks

Happy Limerick Day

In today's post :-

Happy International Limerick Day
Limerick Facts
A Limerick
Random Joke
Friday's Advice Column with Anne Tandek

Happy International Limerick Day

Book of Nonsense

Limerick Day, also sometimes called National Limerick Day honours the birthday of Edward Lear, born in 1812, Lear popularized this form of poetry in his 1846 book called A Book of Nonsense.

It is believed that the term limerick to refer to this specific genre of poetry comes from the city of Limerick, Ireland.

5 Lines & AABBA Scheme

Limerick is a genre of poetry that traditionally has 5 lines and has an AABBA rhyme scheme. A rhyme scheme is the pattern of rhymes in a poem. To identify a poem's rhyme scheme, each line is designated with a letter. Lines that share a letter rhyme have words at the end that rhyme with each other. This means that in a limerick, which has an AABBA rhyme scheme, the words at the end of the first, second and fifth sentences rhyme, while the words at the end of the third and fourth sentence rhyme with each other.

Humorous Situations

Traditionally, the first line of a limerick introduced a person and a place and the rest of the poem described a humorous and often times obscene situation involving the subject or the place.

How to Celebrate?

• Celebrate Limerick Day by reading some of Lear's limericks. Also, check out other poets' limericks as well.
• Write your own limericks and share them with your family and friends.

Facts About Limericks

Nobody knows for sure why limericks are named limericks. 

An early example of a poem which resembles a limerick was written by Queen Elizabeth I. 

‘The Doubt of Future Foes’, written in around 1571, Elizabeth (who reigned from 1558 until 1603) Mary Queen of Scots: 

‘The daughter of debate, 

that eke discord doth sowe, 

Shal reape no gaine where

 formor rule hath taught

stil peace to growe’. 

The rhythm and basic form, if not the rhyme scheme, anticipate the modern limerick.

There’s a limerick in Shakespeare’s Othello. 

Written around 1604, Iago sings a drinking song which he claims he heard in England:

And let me the canakin clink, clink; 

And let me the canakin clink: 

A soldier’s a man;

A life’s but a span; 

Why then let a soldier drink.

Edward Lear made the form famous in the nineteenth century. 

One of the best-known facts about limericks is that Edward Lear wrote them. In his 1846 Book of Nonsense.

A Limerick ......

A clever young fellow from Leeds

Stupidly swallowed a package of seeds.

Great tufts of fine grass

Sprouted out of his arse

And his nuts got covered with weeds.

Random Joke of the Day

I poured some water over a duck's back yesterday. He didn't care.

Friday's Advice Column :-

Hello everyone, my name is Anne Tandek, I have been a specialist in giving advice since
I was three months. I remember, at that time, advising my Mummy and Daddy on concertreption,
I wanted to be an only child...

This week I've had a letter from a young lady from Essex, Obviouly, I want to conserve he anonimity,
so I won't tell you her name is, Hope Ingforit..

Dear Anne,

I have terrible problem with my fake tan.

I apply it every morning with makeup trowel, but if  I go out in the rain, it runs.

I end up with tan running down my face.

With my lovely pound shop blonde extensions I end up looking like a pint of Guinness.

Can you help?

Love Hope Tngforit

Dear Essex girl,

Yes, I can help.

Simply pop down to your local Q and B and buy yourself some
"Curprenol" or any such waterproof fence stainer.

I believe they come in several "tan colours, I suggest "Mahogany"

One application and I guarantee you'll be waterproof for at least
5 years..

Your's Anne

Hope you enjoyed.....feedback is appreciated !

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