How to be a Pirate

HOW TO

How to be a Pirate.

These tips should not be attempted if you are pregnant, wish to use heavy machinery or are Johnny Depp.

If you have 2 eyes you will need to remove one. I suggest serving spoon or sneeze with one eye open.

Remove one hand, a saw can be used, a vicious Jack Russel or cannibal are all good options

If you have no Jack Russel, you may need a vice and/or the help of a flesh eating friend.

Hook, if you have access to a vicious black metal hook brilliant, if not a metal coat hanger will suffice. It also has the added bonus of being useful for unblocking toilets.

Remove one leg, left or right. I suggest you remove the one you wouldn’t use to kick your cabin boy.

Use the above methods again. I suggests wait a couple of days as your jack Russel/cannibal friend may be full.

Wooden leg. It is important that in this instance a peg leg design is adhered to. A common mistake is to use a window mannequin leg. I would suggest that this would be pointless as it closely resembles your original leg.

A working peg leg can be made from a broom handle and a sink plunger end. Again as an added bonus, this also can be used to clear out a blocked toilet.

NB – This look may also be of use to unemployed plumbers.

You now have the figure of a fine pirate and are officially allowed to fly the skull and crossbones. However, a disabled badge maybe more effective. Remember, this shouldn’t cost you an arm and a leg.

Clothing

An eyepatch is a must – This not only adds to your pirate look, but can also double as a handy 80’s pop star tribute, i.e. Pete Burns, Dead or Alive, now dead and or Gabriel ( not sure if she might be a pirate )

If you are unable to purchase an eyepatch your girlfriends, wife or boyfriends black thong will be adequate. Obviously freshly laundered otherwise you may get a premature aroma of the sea.

Frilly velvet long coat, this is a must, for although you are a blood thirsty cut throat, you must show you are in touch with your feminine side.

Get your Nan to lend you her dressing gown and sellotape her old net curtains to it.

Trousers, note, you need to remove one leg to show off your newly installed beautiful false leg. Do not use leggings, although Pirates are happy within their sexual identity….Don’t push it.

Boots, once again, as camp as possible, shiny with plenty of buckles. A pair of black wellington boots covered in milk bottle tops will look fabulous.

Parrot

As you are no doubt aware. A bird on your shoulder is a must, it helps if it’s a common bird, and the most common bird on the planet is the chicken, not Tracy from number 42. A frozen chicken may have the look, although you may get hypothermia.

A talking bird really is preferable. Obviously parrots are expensive, Aunt Julies fat budgie bobby would be an acceptable substitute.

Speech

A pirate must have the right voice. In all cases they tend to sound like a Dorset farmer. However never get them mixed up. One will plunder and ravish you, the other will shoot you and tell you to “Gerrof my larnd” I will let you work out which one is correct.

Good phrases –

ARRRRRR – Can be used as a statement ARRRR ! Or a question ARRR ?

Splice the mainbrace – No idea what this means, it possibly a dental reference.

Shiver my timbers – I’m not sure how practical this is

Roger the cabin boy – Self explanatory

Walk the plank – This is a great party favourite, if no sharks available go back to your Jack Russell/Cannibal friend.

All hands on Deck – Half of the well-known presenters of I’m a celebrity.

Poop Deck – Toilet

Yo Ho Ho – An American rap reference

Careers

Plunder rape and pillage – but ensure health and safety guidelines are maintained

Buried Treasure – X marks the spot. Not your ex-girlfriend or signature, and remember where you left it.

Selling bootleg videos of ET at a car boot sale.

Facts

Where do pirates go shopping? – AAAAAAArgos

What’s a pirates favourite letter of the alphabet – No… it’s the C they love.

How much does a pirate pay for a piercing – A buck an ear

So that’s it, you are now ready to sail the seven seas, good luck and enjoy your new career