I'm in the top 100

In Today's Issue

Top 100
My favourite comedian ?
Laughter
Being Funny Pays
Random Joke of the Day
New Release 



Hi all,

Bit of big news today...I've just found out that this Blog has been recognised in the top 100 funny blogs on the net.

You can see the results on Feedspot.com.
Below is a link.
 https://blog.feedspot.com/funny_blogs/

Thank you to Feedspot and to you my loyal readers.

My favourite comedian ?

A lot of people ask me which comedians I am a fan of. Well there are lots of course but one does stand out, Steve Delaney or rather his alter ego Count Arthur Strong.

The Count is a meticulously constructed character, a cantankerous, pedantic, mostly out of work former variety artist whose world view - of his talent, his intellect - is gloriously wide of the mark, and whose hopelessly confused syntax and malapropisms are a joy to behold.

The joke is added to by the Count’s growing confusion as he tries but fails to get even the simplest sentence out - it’s like his brain is constantly in a weird auto-incorrect mode that offers any number of alternatives to the actual word he’s searching for.

He's currently on tour, although I believe it's sold out, if you get a ticker I recommend you go see him.

If you've never heard of the Count then below I've attached a clip...enjoy.

Laughter

We laugh up to 30 times more when we are in the company of others than when we are by ourselves. When they say that laughter is contagious, they were really right!

Frequent and whole-hearted laughter actually helps your body to fight off harmful diseases. By altering the levels of cortisol in your body, laughing lowers our levels of stress and fights off things that might be harmful to us.

Although we can force smiles and trick our brains into thinking we are happy, we cannot actually force laughter. You can emit something that sounds a lot like laughter, but you are not tricking your brain whatsoever (and you’re probably not tricking those around you either!)

Laughing is a pretty good workout! When you laugh, you are strengthening muscles in your face, stomach, and diaphragm. It’s no substitute for the gym, but a bit of laughter does do the body good!

Piggy-backing on doing your body good, for every fifteen minutes of solid full-body laughing you do, you can burn up to 40 calories! Dieting? Get to laughing!

Some studies have reported that laughing for at least fifteen minutes can add around 2 days to your overall lifespan. Live long and…laugh!

Not a coffee drinker? That’s okay! Laughing shortly after you wake up can have similar effects to drinking a cup of coffee. Next time you laugh right after getting up, notice how refreshing it feels.

Believe it or not, there really is a science to laughing. In fact, the science of laughing and it’s effects on the body is referred to as Gelotology.

Humans are not the only beings that laugh. Although less obvious to detect, many animals also experience something similar to laughter. Start watching out for your furry friends – turns out, they might actually be laughing at you after all.

In studies that looked at laughter in adults versus children, it was found that kids tend to laugh about three times more than adults. Think like a kid and learn to enjoy yourself a little!

The average person laughs around 13 times a day. Oddly enough, very few of those times are due to a joke or an intentional action. More often, we laugh at chance happenings or things that were never intended to be funny in the first place.

Laughing can create an instant bond between individuals. When you laugh as a group or with someone else, we feel a natural connection to those people and it can alleviate some of the social stress that being around new people might create.

Just as children laugh more than adults, surveys have shown that women tend to laugh slightly more than their male counterparts. Maybe women are really the ones with the senses of humor!

Studies show that while individuals usually rank “appearance” as very high on their list when looking for a mate, we tend to find individuals who laugh more attractive.

Laughter really is contagious. Ever wonder why television shows often play a “laugh track” after a funny moment? Even when we do not see where the source of the laughter is, simply hearing laughter can be contagious.

The Top 10 Richest Comedians in the World

10- Bill Murray- $155 million Net Worth

9 - Dan Aykroyd- $155 million Net Worth

8 - Drew Carey- $175 million Net Worth

7 - Adam Sandler- $350 million Net Worth

6 - Jay Leno- $380 million Net Worth

5 - Ellen DeGeneres- $400 million Net Worth

4 - Bill Cosby- $430 million Net Worth

3 - David Letterman- $450 million Net Worth

2 - Jerry Seinfeld- $850 

million Net Worth

1 - Larry David- $930 million Net Worth

And not to be left out, here's the UK's

10. Jack Whitehall – £1.3 million

9. Russell Howard – £4 million

8. Kevin Bridges – £4.2 million

7. Miranda Hart – £5 million

6. Jack Dee – £5.2 million

5. John Bishop – £6.3 million

4. Jimmy Carr – £12 million

3. Michael McIntyre – £21 million

2. Peter Kay – £45 million

1. Ricky Gervais – £55 million

Random Joke of the Day

I did my first stand up performance at an open mic gig last night. I was so bad, the audience set up a crowdfunding page for my retirement.

New Release...

Tales of the Unexpected.

In this book we’ll cover such subjects as -  

What happens when two retiring hitmen meet for a final dinner to talk about their past, and probably

limited future.

What’s in a name, oh he’ll tell you but you’ll wish you hadn’t asked.

Is it the love of money or is it’s moneys love for you…we follow a coin to find out.

A failing bookstore takes full advantage of a desperate situation.

And much, much more

This is the third in the highly successful ‘Tales of..’ series.

The stories enclosed are varied but all have a delightful dark pumping vein of humour and twist in the telling.

Satisfaction guaranteed.

About the Author

Neville Raper invented You Tube, has swum the channel twice and is a habitual liar.
He lives in Yorkshire, where just like the locals, he says what he likes and likes what he says.
Broadcaster, Author, blogger, Neville is an occasional stand-up, and regular sit down.

Here is a link

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Tales-Unexpected-Neville-Raper/dp/1687345600/ref=sr_1_4?keywords=Neville+raper&qid=1571492333&sr=8-4 

Hymn for Him

In Today's Issue

Hymn for Him
Hymn
Top 10
That's Amaaaaaaazing
Random Joke
Free Audio Story

Hymn for Him

  

Give us this day

Our daily bread

Give us this day

And a bed for our head

Give us the night

And a warm cozy place

Give us the night

Our own safety space

Give us all our past

A place we can visit

But not linger there

It’s not life’s prerequisite

Give our present

This moment in time

Give us our present

Our reason and rhyme

Give us the future

Of hope, health and peace

Give us a future

From our burdens release

Hymn. hymn Song of praise or gratitude to a god or hero. The oldest forms are found in ancient Egyptian and Greek writings and in the Old Testament psalms of rejoicing. In strict Christian church usage, hymns are religious songs sung by the choir and congregation in a church, distinct from a psalm or a canticle.

Top 10 Most Popular Hymns at Funerals

10. Ave Maria

9. I Watch the Sunrise

8. Morning Has Broken

7. Old Rugged Cross

6. Jerusalem

5. Amazing Grace

4. How Great Thou Art

3. All Things Bright and Beautiful

2. Abide With Me

1. The Lord Is My Shepherd

That's Amaaaaaaaaaaazing

There are more than 950,000 Christian hymns in existence. The music and parts of the text of a hymn in the Oxyrhynchus Papyri from the 2nd century are the earliest known hymnody. The earliest exactly datable hymn is the Heyr Himna Smi¢ur (Hear, the Maker of Heaven) from 1208 by the Icelandic bard and chieftain Kolbeinn Tumason (1173-1208).

Just walked into the local and asked for some helicopter flavour crisps. “Sorry mate.” The barman said “We’ve only got plane!”

Free Audio Story

Here is a new story by myself that was only last week recorded for radio.
It's a short story all about knitting and revenge.

It's called Knit one, pearl one, drop two

All the small things.......

In Today's Tiny Issue

Small Things
How small are we
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Random Joke
You Tube

I write about big things.

But, it’s time to talk of the small,

of little pleasures of smaller joys.

A lick from the dog

Clean sheet smell

Chinese chicken curry

Melodious church bell

Sun through the curtains

A really good sneeze

Elvis on the radio

Quite a strong cheese

My spex with no spots

A pair of odd socks

Bacon and eggs

Soft ticking of clocks

Smell of cut grass

I’m Captain Kirk

A free parking space

A weekend off work

A freezing cold pint

I nice new haircut

Batman and Robin

Nice clean smut

The laugh of a child

A fresh coffee pot

A blackbird’s singsong

A nose clear of snot

Our sun is one of at least 100 BILLION stars, just in the Milky Way. Scientists calculate that there are at least 100 billion galaxies in the observable universe, each one brimming with stars. There are more stars than grains of sand on all of Earth’s beaches combined. 

The Milky Way is a huge city of stars, so big that even at the speed of light (which is fast!), it would take 100,000 years to travel across it.

 Roughly 70% of the universe is made of dark energy. Dark matter makes up about 25%. The rest — everything on Earth, everything ever observed with all of our instruments, all normal matter adds up to less than 5% of the universe.

If the sun were as tall as a typical front door, Earth would be the size of a penny.

The sun accounts for almost all of the mass in our solar system. Leaving .2% for all the planets and everything else.

Edwin Hubble discovered that the Universe is expanding and that at one point in time (14 billion years ago) the universe was all collected in just one point of space.

 Four American spacecraft are headed out of our solar system to what scientists call interstellar space. Voyager 1 is the farthest out — more than 11 billion miles from our sun. It was the first manmade object to leave our solar system. Voyager 2, is speeding along at more than 39,000 mph, but will still take more than 296,000 years to pass Sirius, the brightest star in our night sky..

That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing

Smallest Hypothetical Object in the Universe: The smallest hypothetical objects in the universe is a thing which does not have any mass and dimensions. Its existence is also not proven yet. According to string theory, all universe is made up of tiny vibrating string-like structures which interact with each other and give rise to mass and energy.

Random Joke of the Day...

My Dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults.” 

Great Dad, terrible geologist.

YOU TUBE

If you pop over to You Tube you can find several radio plays that have been created from my short stories....

 

You  can use this link.....go have a look.....pweeeze.....

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kswRLrIeDU4&t=191s

The Cat.....oh and another audio play !!

The Cat on the Mat

In Today's Feline Issue

The Cat on the Mat
Cats
That's Amaaaaaaaazing
Random Joke
Witness

The Cat on The Mat

Einstein's Cat
It sat on the mat
Relative, but true
Schrodinger's Cat
Was dead on the mat
Or was it one of a two?

Which cat is alive?
Which one is dead?
The concept within
Confuses your head

If the cat on the mat
is the one that's alive
Then how did it die?
Or did it survive

I think the thesis
Maybe perturbing
Anyway
I'm Pretty sure
The Mat was
Green.

CATS

Unlike dogs, cats do not have a sweet tooth. Scientists believe this is due to a mutation in a key taste receptor.

When a cat chases its prey, it keeps its head level. Dogs and humans bob their heads up and down

The technical term for a cat’s hairball is a “bezoar.

A group of cats is called a “clowder.”

A cat can’t climb head first down a tree because every claw on a cat’s paw points the same way. To get down from a tree, a cat must back down.

Cats make about 100 different sounds. Dogs make only about 10

There are more than 500 million domestic cats in the world, with approximately 40 recognized breeds

While it is commonly thought that the ancient Egyptians were the first to domesticate cats, the oldest known pet cat was recently found in a 9,500-year-old grave on the Mediterranean island of Cyprus. This grave predates early Egyptian art depicting cats by 4,000 years or more.

During the time of the Spanish Inquisition, Pope Innocent VIII condemned cats as evil and thousands of cats were burned. Unfortunately, the widespread killing of cats led to an explosion of the rat population, which exacerbated the effects of the Black Death.

During the Middle Ages, cats were associated with withcraft, and on St. John’s Day, people all over Europe would stuff them into sacks and toss the cats into bonfires. On holy days, people celebrated by tossing cats from church towers.

The first cat in space was a French cat named Felicette (a.k.a. “Astrocat”) In 1963, France blasted the cat into outer space. Electrodes implanted in her brains sent neurological signals back to Earth. She survived the trip.

The group of words associated with cat (catt, cath, chat, katze) stem from the Latin catus, meaning domestic cat, as opposed to feles, or wild cat.

The term “puss” is the root of the principal word for “cat” in the Romanian term pisica and the root of secondary words in Lithuanian (puz) and Low German puus. Some scholars suggest that “puss” could be imitative of the hissing sound used to get a cat’s attention. As a slang word for the female pudenda, it could be associated with the connotation of a cat being soft, warm, and fuzzy

According to Hebrew legend, Noah prayed to God for help protecting all the food he stored on the ark from being eaten by rats. In reply, God made the lion sneeze, and out popped a cat.

A cat’s hearing is better than a dog’s. And a cat can hear high-frequency sounds up to two octaves higher than a human.

A cat can travel at a top speed of approximately 31 mph (49 km) over a short distance.

A cat rubs against people not only to be affectionate but also to mark out its territory with scent glands around its face. The tail area and paws also carry the cat’s scent.

Researchers are unsure exactly how a cat purrs. Most veterinarians believe that a cat purrs by vibrating vocal folds deep in the throat. To do this, a muscle in the larynx opens and closes the air passage about 25 times per second.

When a family cat died in ancient Egypt, family members would mourn by shaving off their eyebrows. They also held elaborate funerals during which they drank wine and beat their breasts. The cat was embalmed with a sculpted wooden mask and the tiny mummy was placed in the family tomb or in a pet cemetery with tiny mummies of mice.

In 1888, more than 300,000 mummified cats were found an Egyptian cemetery. They were stripped of their wrappings and carted off to be used by farmers in England and the U.S. for fertilizer.

Most cats give birth to a litter of between one and nine kittens. The largest known litter ever produced was 19 kittens, of which 15 survived.

That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing

The longest domestic cat is Ludo at 118.33 cm (3 ft 10.59 in) long. He is owned by Kelsey Gill (UK) and was measured on 6 October 2015.

 

Random Joke of the Day 

 

I just ordered my colleague a ‘hope you get better soon’ card. She’s not ill. Just rubbish at her job.

 

From - Tales of the Unaccepted comes a new radio play, written by myself performed by Sheffield Radio - Witness.

What if you witnessed a murder right in front of your eyes but no one listened to you?

Well here's the answer...

 

Go over to You Tube for more free audio plays....and if you'd like to buy my books ( pweeeeze )

Then find them on Amazon.... Thanks x