Singles Awareness Day

Its the day after the horror that was Valentines Day, so obviously today is international :-

Singles Awareness Day

Singles Awareness Day is for those who are unattached, and without a significant other. It is celebrated the day after Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day, celebrates love and romance for those  currently in a relationship. However, if you  are in between relationships, and without a significant other, you may feel left out. Valentine's Day can be a depressing day. So, the day after Valentine's Day is your day.

Singles Awareness Day traditions include:

• Singles get together. It's a chance to meet.
• Singles give each other gifts
• Spend a little time in online dating sites
• You can celebrate and enjoy the fact that you are unattached.

Positives of today -

Chocolate will be half price !!!

You can spend all day in your pants, or someone elses !

You can sleep around.....by that I mean around the bed.....obviously

One night stand !? forget it, you can have two, either side of the bed !

You can fart to your hearts content...

The TV remote is yours !!!!

So enjoy this day...........and think of the money you've saved !

Oh and just in case...That's Amaaaaaaazing

Most expensive dating service

If you’re looking for love this Valentine’s Day, this service may be a little out of budget…

Orly the Matchmaker of Beverly Hills, California, USA, has been running an upscale international introductions company for the last 25 years – the most expensive service of its kind in the world.

Run by a former model, Orly’s world-renowned, old-fashioned matchmaking skills are available for a steep membership fee that can cost up to $100,000 (£70,000).

Random Joke of the Day

A typo cost me my job in IT. I actually wanted the temp to ‘unzip my files’.

Want to see what other guff I write pop over to my Authors page on Amazon. Just paste the below link in your browser.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Neville-Raper/e/B0759Z1D25%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share

I'm in the top 100

In Today's Issue

Top 100
My favourite comedian ?
Laughter
Being Funny Pays
Random Joke of the Day
New Release 



Hi all,

Bit of big news today...I've just found out that this Blog has been recognised in the top 100 funny blogs on the net.

You can see the results on Feedspot.com.
Below is a link.
 https://blog.feedspot.com/funny_blogs/

Thank you to Feedspot and to you my loyal readers.

My favourite comedian ?

A lot of people ask me which comedians I am a fan of. Well there are lots of course but one does stand out, Steve Delaney or rather his alter ego Count Arthur Strong.

The Count is a meticulously constructed character, a cantankerous, pedantic, mostly out of work former variety artist whose world view - of his talent, his intellect - is gloriously wide of the mark, and whose hopelessly confused syntax and malapropisms are a joy to behold.

The joke is added to by the Count’s growing confusion as he tries but fails to get even the simplest sentence out - it’s like his brain is constantly in a weird auto-incorrect mode that offers any number of alternatives to the actual word he’s searching for.

He's currently on tour, although I believe it's sold out, if you get a ticker I recommend you go see him.

If you've never heard of the Count then below I've attached a clip...enjoy.

Laughter

We laugh up to 30 times more when we are in the company of others than when we are by ourselves. When they say that laughter is contagious, they were really right!

Frequent and whole-hearted laughter actually helps your body to fight off harmful diseases. By altering the levels of cortisol in your body, laughing lowers our levels of stress and fights off things that might be harmful to us.

Although we can force smiles and trick our brains into thinking we are happy, we cannot actually force laughter. You can emit something that sounds a lot like laughter, but you are not tricking your brain whatsoever (and you’re probably not tricking those around you either!)

Laughing is a pretty good workout! When you laugh, you are strengthening muscles in your face, stomach, and diaphragm. It’s no substitute for the gym, but a bit of laughter does do the body good!

Piggy-backing on doing your body good, for every fifteen minutes of solid full-body laughing you do, you can burn up to 40 calories! Dieting? Get to laughing!

Some studies have reported that laughing for at least fifteen minutes can add around 2 days to your overall lifespan. Live long and…laugh!

Not a coffee drinker? That’s okay! Laughing shortly after you wake up can have similar effects to drinking a cup of coffee. Next time you laugh right after getting up, notice how refreshing it feels.

Believe it or not, there really is a science to laughing. In fact, the science of laughing and it’s effects on the body is referred to as Gelotology.

Humans are not the only beings that laugh. Although less obvious to detect, many animals also experience something similar to laughter. Start watching out for your furry friends – turns out, they might actually be laughing at you after all.

In studies that looked at laughter in adults versus children, it was found that kids tend to laugh about three times more than adults. Think like a kid and learn to enjoy yourself a little!

The average person laughs around 13 times a day. Oddly enough, very few of those times are due to a joke or an intentional action. More often, we laugh at chance happenings or things that were never intended to be funny in the first place.

Laughing can create an instant bond between individuals. When you laugh as a group or with someone else, we feel a natural connection to those people and it can alleviate some of the social stress that being around new people might create.

Just as children laugh more than adults, surveys have shown that women tend to laugh slightly more than their male counterparts. Maybe women are really the ones with the senses of humor!

Studies show that while individuals usually rank “appearance” as very high on their list when looking for a mate, we tend to find individuals who laugh more attractive.

Laughter really is contagious. Ever wonder why television shows often play a “laugh track” after a funny moment? Even when we do not see where the source of the laughter is, simply hearing laughter can be contagious.

The Top 10 Richest Comedians in the World

10- Bill Murray- $155 million Net Worth

9 - Dan Aykroyd- $155 million Net Worth

8 - Drew Carey- $175 million Net Worth

7 - Adam Sandler- $350 million Net Worth

6 - Jay Leno- $380 million Net Worth

5 - Ellen DeGeneres- $400 million Net Worth

4 - Bill Cosby- $430 million Net Worth

3 - David Letterman- $450 million Net Worth

2 - Jerry Seinfeld- $850 

million Net Worth

1 - Larry David- $930 million Net Worth

And not to be left out, here's the UK's

10. Jack Whitehall – £1.3 million

9. Russell Howard – £4 million

8. Kevin Bridges – £4.2 million

7. Miranda Hart – £5 million

6. Jack Dee – £5.2 million

5. John Bishop – £6.3 million

4. Jimmy Carr – £12 million

3. Michael McIntyre – £21 million

2. Peter Kay – £45 million

1. Ricky Gervais – £55 million

Random Joke of the Day

I did my first stand up performance at an open mic gig last night. I was so bad, the audience set up a crowdfunding page for my retirement.

New Release...

Tales of the Unexpected.

In this book we’ll cover such subjects as -  

What happens when two retiring hitmen meet for a final dinner to talk about their past, and probably

limited future.

What’s in a name, oh he’ll tell you but you’ll wish you hadn’t asked.

Is it the love of money or is it’s moneys love for you…we follow a coin to find out.

A failing bookstore takes full advantage of a desperate situation.

And much, much more

This is the third in the highly successful ‘Tales of..’ series.

The stories enclosed are varied but all have a delightful dark pumping vein of humour and twist in the telling.

Satisfaction guaranteed.

About the Author

Neville Raper invented You Tube, has swum the channel twice and is a habitual liar.
He lives in Yorkshire, where just like the locals, he says what he likes and likes what he says.
Broadcaster, Author, blogger, Neville is an occasional stand-up, and regular sit down.

Here is a link

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Tales-Unexpected-Neville-Raper/dp/1687345600/ref=sr_1_4?keywords=Neville+raper&qid=1571492333&sr=8-4 

Flash Fiction

In Today's Issue

Flash Fiction
300 Words
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Random Joke
Word
Horoscopes for the week
New Release

Flash fiction is fictional work of extreme brevity, that still offers character and plot development, including the Six-Word Story, 140-character stories, also known as "twitterature", the "dribble" (50 words), the "drabble" , also known as "microfiction"(100 words),^["sudden fiction" (750 words), flash fiction (1000 words), nanotales and "micro-story".Some commentators have also suggested that some flash fiction possesses a unique literary quality, e.g. the ability to hint at or imply a larger story.

I was asked to come up with something in 300 
words and was given the prompt of 'wedding dress'. 
This is what I came up with.


300 Words

“Filthy dirty cheating bitch.” I look at our wedding photo. How good did we look, she in her 
Grandmother’s old dress, me in full dress uniform. We were full of promise, hope and 
potential, the American dream. Then we crashed, the bankers gambled with our money 
and lost. The Men on the hill told us cuts must be made; we must tighten our belts. 
Them in their five hundred dollar suits and ten dollar tans. The army let me go to help the
economy, I’d done my duty and was dismissed. Ejected like an empty shell. No jobs, all 
I could do was kill, not a skill admired in this civilised town. 


So I drank, and she stayed away. I’d checked her phone and saw the messages.
Love letters in fifty characters, the sender given a fake name to hide in her address book. 
The enemy always hides.I find her dress of vows and veils and burn it. Confetti flecks
of husband and wife ash float into the sky.

I bet they all knew; this is a small town, everyone knows everyone. Her parents, the
bastards sour at our lack of offspring they would be supporting the adultress. 
All laughing at the used useless man. I’d make her pay; I’d make them all pay. 
I was always good at my job. I kiss the flag, cheap; China made, the ink comes off on
my lips, red, the blood of my country.

I hear their voices rejoicing in union, exalting a God who spits on them from high. 
The things I saw on the battlefield would make them denounce him instantly.
 I fought for them; I bled for them, they will bleed for me.


I feel the M16 in my hands, flick to full auto and step into the church.

That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing

Legend has it that Ernest Hemingway won a bet by writing the six-word story “For sale: baby shoes. Never worn.” Hoping to cash in on that story's success, Hemingway wrote some six-word sequels.

Random Joke of the Day

My wife's leaving me because of my obsession with auctions. She's going once....going twice......( or going going gone )

Word

MATUTOLYPEA - the state of being ill-tempered in the morning

This weeks Extremely Accurate Horoscopes With  Paul T Gyce

Hello, I've been expecting you. My name is Paul T Gyce I have been an astrologer to the stars for over 70 years which is a testament to my skills as I'm 55.

Sit back and wonder how accurate my predictions will be for you, this coming week !!

Aries March 21 – April 20

This week you will meet a tall dark handsome man, unfortunately, he doesn't 

like you.

Your lucky stone this week is Sharon.

Taurus April 21 – May 21

DUCK ! RIGHT NOW DUCK, QUICKLY...

Too late. 

Your lucky colour, now, is red

Gemini May 22 – June 21

Once again, being a Gemini you are in 2 minds, both are in agreement that

you need a haircut, but only on one head.

Lucky Animal - Push Me Pull Me

Cancer June 22 – July 23

MMMM........crab......

Lucky Sauce - Seafood

Leo July 24 – Aug 23

This week you will feel caged, Remember pride comes before a fall,

The mane thing is try to avoid puns.

Your Lucky Food is Zebra

Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 23

Virgo's are brilliant and this week everything will be brilliant because you are so great.

Everyone loves you and you deserve it. If you're not a Virgo... then tough.

Your lucky thing this week is every thing !!

Libra Sept 24 – Oct 23

Libra's are quite astute and will have probably, by now, worked out what star sign

I am. This week you will be asked to weigh something.

Lucky Clothing - A bra...

Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 22

My ex was a Scorpio and I've never met a nice one. They are fundamentally evil people and will do everything in their power to make sure they get the house, car and your collection of "specialist" video's.... I mean what does she need with 48 video's on ermmmm my hobby. Well I tell you two can play that game, I'm keeping her underwear, It fits me better than her anyway.

Famous Scorpio's 

Crippin

Adolf Hitler

Vlad The Impaler

Danny La Rue

Sagittarius Nov 23 – Dec 22

Just what is a Sagittarius ? I mean I get the rest, animals, things, but this ??? nope.

Any ways, no idea what's going to happen to you as I have no idea what you are.... Oh, sometime this week you will breath.

Lucky Word - Meh !

Capricorn Dec 23 – Jan 20

This week, just like a goat you will over eat. Just try not to eat underwear some of that stuff is really expensive.

Lucky Saying - Who ate all the pies.

Lucky Number - 3.14159265359

Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19

By now I'm getting a bit tired, the spirits running through me are becoming dry. I need fluid, and ironically this is your sign. This week you will be rained on.

Lucky Fluid - Rain

Pisces Feb 20 – March 20

Why is it that Pisces is always last on the list, I mean it doesn't make any sense, the year begins with January so shouldn't it start with Capricorn ?

It's all barmy really, Anyways the constellation says that this week you will

find yourself in a room and forget why you went in there for in the first place. Don't worry you're not losing it, it's already gone.

Lucky Dating Site - Plenty Of Fish

Tales of the Unexpected.

In this book we’ll cover such subjects as -  

What happens when two retiring hitmen meet for a final dinner to talk about their past, and probably

limited future.

What’s in a name, oh he’ll tell you but you’ll wish you hadn’t asked.

Is it the love of money or is it’s moneys love for you…we follow a coin to find out.

A failing bookstore takes full advantage of a desperate situation.

And much, much more

This is the third in the highly successful ‘Tales of..’ series.

The stories enclosed are varied but all have a delightful dark pumping vein of humour and twist in the telling.

Satisfaction guaranteed.

About the Author

Neville Raper invented You Tube, has swum the channel twice and is a habitual liar.
He lives in Yorkshire, where just like the locals, he says what he likes and likes what he says.
Broadcaster, Author, blogger, Neville is an occasional stand-up, and regular sit down.

Here is a link

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Tales-Unexpected-Neville-Raper/dp/1687345600/ref=sr_1_4?keywords=Neville+raper&qid=1571492333&sr=8-4