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Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts

Monday, 18 September 2017

Angel


In Today's Issue

Angels by Marjorie Lacy
Trivial Top 10
Random Joke of the Day
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Finish with a Song




GUARDIAN ANGEL
Sleeping on the job?
When I was most in dire need
Just in time you woke

MY SCRUFFY GUARDIAN ANGEL
Dirty face, black eyes
Tattered wings and runny nose
You came up trumps all the same

MY GUARDIAN ANGEL- THANK YOU!
Worn wings, rusty sword
Playing cards with little devils?
You saved me in nick of time

MY SLAPDASH GUARDIAN ANGEL
On a sly fag break?
Eyes closed, feet up on a cloud?
All the same – you star

ANGEL
Blue-eyed Seraphim
Beautiful in silvered wings
Blonde halo of curls

ANGEL WARRIOR
Golden-eyed and strong
Shield raised sword held high prepared
Wings of hardened steel




Today, we look at the UK's
Top 10 favourite biscuits....

10 - Chocolate Fingers ( I know a dirty joke about these ! ) 

9 - Chocolate Bourbon ( Blurgh...not a fan )

8 - Ginger Nut ( Ron Weasley ?? )

7 - Digestive ( or suggestive )

6 - Chocolate Chip Cookie ( The American Invasion !! )

5 - Jaffa Cake ( errrrrrrm there's a clue in the name !! )

4 - Shortbread ( Och eye the noooo )

3 - Custard Cream .....( and a lay down in a darkened room )

2 - Chocolate Hobnob ... Comedy Name..

1 - Chocolate Digestive ......Do you dunk ?


Random Joke of the Day




Last week,I went to the funeral of a dear friend, who was killed in a freak tennis accident. The service was brilliant


The “D” in D-Day stands for “Day”, in other words, “Day-Day”


Finish with a Song


This is Angels by Robbie Williams released in 1997

Sunday, 17 September 2017

Escape

In Today's Issue

Escape by Anne Rhodes
Great Escapes
Random Joke of the Day
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Finish with a Song




ESCAPE THE ENEMY                     © Anne Rhodes

Escape – that’s all folk seem to need, to do.
Compared to some, our problems are so small.
Unhappiness or heartache makes us cry.
The funny bits of life can pass us by.

A stubbed toe, a broken arm or finger,
The misery brought on by loneliness.
All these, though large in our own lives as such
Are merely our own emotional crutch.

Are nought, compared to those who flee from fear,
From death or bombs or now from burning homes
A lifetime spent without acknowledgement
Now the need for swift escape is rampant.

Their houses and their property are gone
Frail or babes in arms are carried some way
Escape from fear their only driving force
From cruel villains who have no remorse.

Generations pass still unaccepted
They did not ask to be ignored or shunned
They did not ask for such strong dismissal
Indeed, is such cruel treatment lawful?

Thousands and thousands collapse where they’re told
A banking, a muddy field which gets worse
The more arrive to churn its wat’ry sludge.
Too many to stay so onwards they trudge.

No-one would flee, yet bringing so little -
Walking for frightening mile upon mile
Reaching out for the world to succour them
In their time of need, and their fear to stem.

Our problems shrink to nought when thus compared
Our lives not in the same danger as theirs.
Their poor lives seem worse, the deeper one delves -
We only try to escape from ourselves.



Joseph Bolitho Johns, an Australia bushranger, escaped from prison so many times a special cell was built to hold him. The cell was so strong the Governor promised to forgive his crimes if he could escape again, which he did in 1867.


In 1942, Kazimierz Piechowski, an Auschwitz prisoner, escaped the camp along with three others by dressing up as Nazi officers and stealing a German captain’s car. When they arrived at the gate he simply shouted orders to the guards who let them pass with no questions asked.



Yoshie Shiratori, the “Showa Era escape artist,” is known for having escaped from prison four times by picking locks with wire, sawing floorboards with metal sheet, and digging his way out with a bowl.



In 1934, the Depression-era American gangster, John Dillinger, escaped using a fake pistol he whittled from a potato in his cell to intimidate 33 people before getting real sub-machine guns.



Mark DeFriest made 13 escape attempts, seven of them successful, after he was arrested for “stealing” tools left to him by his father. Believed to be an autistic savant, he could memorize jailors’ keys and reproduce them from anything available to him.



In 1995, Daniel Luther Heiss escaped prison after discovering that the key pictured on his prisoners’ information handbook was the master key for the entire prison, which he replicated.



When his bank loan con started going wrong, Steven Jay Russell feigned a heart attack and was transported to a hospital. There he impersonated an FBI agent and called the hospital on his cell phone to tell them he could be released.



In 2012, Choi Gap-bok used his yoga skills to escape from prison while the prison guards were sleeping by squeezing through the food slot at the bottom of his cell door. The slot measured 5.9 inches tall and 17.7 inches wide.




Random Joke of the Day
Experts say the new iPhone X is so innovative, It revolutionises how we ignore people standing next to us.



That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing


In 1912, a Paris orphanage held a raffle to raise money—the prizes were live babies.


Finish with a Song

Given the theme this is The Escape Song by Rupert Homes released in 1979.


Sunday, 10 September 2017

Swap Ideas Day




In Today's Issue

Swap Ideas Day
My Ideas
Did you know? creative ideas
Random Joke of the Day
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Contribute



Swap Ideas Day

This is the day for us to share and swap ideas and concepts. 

Some ideas are practical some are more abstract, whatever they are they are great to share if only to check their effectiveness.

This site is a great place to share your writing work and ideas and I am more than happy to help you develop that work.

To contribute just use the contact button on the side.




Ideas

Ideas in my head
They bobble around
Mixed with pictures
Sights and sounds

I hear a phrase
I hear a word
I let them fly
My idea bird

A man walks past
in too tight genes
What's his story
Could it mean.....

A woman with 
an ugly dog
Think in digital
or analogue?

So I write them down
for later use
For they will be used
In something obtuse




Did you Know?  Creative Ideas

72% OF PEOPLE HAVE CREATIVE INSIGHTS IN THE SHOWER


THE INTROVERTS ARE ONTO SOMETHING: SOLITUDE IS WHERE CREATIVITY THRIVES


TRYING NEW THINGS MAKES YOU MORE CREATIVE


TRAUMA HAS HIDDEN CREATIVE PROPERTIES


DAYDREAMING IS SURPRISINGLY GOOD FOR YOUR BRAIN


SOME OF THE BEST IDEAS ARE WIDELY RIDICULED BEFORE THEY’RE REVERED





Random Joke of the Day

"I'm sorry," said the barman, "we don't serve time travellers." 

A time traveller walks into a bar.




99.9% of your DNA is identical to that of everyone else in the world.





So, if you've got some writing or poetry you'd like to share to a GLOBAL audience. 

Then submit via the side button. Get you work read !!

Go on, have a go...









Friday, 8 September 2017

More Flash Poetry




In Today's Issue

More Flash Poetry
The Sea
Did you Know? ..... The Sea Side
Random Joke of the Day
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Finish with a Joke




Yesterday I showed you some "Flash Poetry" and I asked for your examples, Quick as a Wink, Here is Marjory Lacy with her work ( she currently on holiday....can you tell? )

The  Seaside.
Sea, sand, kids and dogs.
Ice cream, hot chocolate.
Pizza for tea.
Don’t want to go home!

Moon.
Moon, Oh! Moon,
Where are you tonight?
Behind the clouds,
Out of sight!

Seagulls.
Seagulls hover,
watch you eating
You can see
What they are thinking.

Sun/rain.
There’s the sun gone again.
The sky’s gone dull, quick RUN!
Here comes the rain, rain, rain!

Furry Animals.
Do you like furry animals?
That you can cuddle and love.
Stroking their backs and ears.
Looking into their bright eyes.
And if they have one - see tails wag.

Rainbow.
High in the sky a rainbow
Appears, so pretty after the rain.
Its bright arch has gold at its ends.


And one more from me .....


The sea is trying to tell me something
but it's drowned out




Did you Know?.......The Sea Side



The UK’s coastline is well over 6,000 kilometres long!


The tallest recorded sand castle is 12.59 m (41 ft 3.67 in) tall.


The first English ice cream recipe was published in 1718.

The tallest ice cream cone was 9ft

Sandy beaches are mostly made of silica (SiO2) in the form of the mineral quartz.

The longest beach in the world is arguably Praia do Cassino (Casino Beach) in the city of Rio Grande, Brazil. It is approximately 212 km (132mi) long.





What do you get if you cross a motorway with a fridge? Killed.




The oldest condoms ever found date back to the 1640s (they were found in a cesspit at Dudley Castle), and were made from animal and fish intestines.


Finish with a Song
This is the Beach Boys with Californian Girls release in 1966



Thursday, 7 September 2017

Flash Poetry



In Today's Issue

Flash Poetry
This weeks Horoscopes
Random Joke of the Day
Finish with a Song




Flash Poetry

Do you have an inner poet? One way to 'dip your toe' is to try short prose.
One good rule to follow is to try and use metaphors, this will help you 'show' your reader what you are trying to say, rather than tell them.

Here's some of my examples.

gold

I watch the gymnastic leaf
tumble, topple and flip in the gutter
when it's done, it lays exhausted

Perhaps waiting for its gold medal.

tick tock

My heart is a clock
It ticks away my
routine heart
Humdrum drum drum
drum

crucifix

I live in the gaps
caused by my losses
The cracks in my life
Hide all my crosses

Torch

I could read in the dark
From the light in your
eyes

n raper 2017


Enjoy? hope so, have a go yourself......oh and send me your examples via the contact button.
They will be seen around the world.



This weeks Extremely Accurate Horoscopes With  Paul T Gyce

Hello, you're late ! As you well know, my name is Paul T Gyce. I've been the astrologer to kings and queens and some kings...

Now, sit back and bask in the wonder of how accurate my predictions will be for you, this coming week !!

Aries March 21 – April 20

This week you will lose 2lb's...It's down the back of the sofa.

Your lucky weight this week is 2lb less than you
weigh right now

Taurus April 21 – May 21

The moon is in ascendancy, I'll be honest
I'm not sure what that means, but I can tell you that this week
you'll have a drink.

Lucky Drink - Tizer and Advocaat


Gemini May 22 – June 21


The sign of the twins, this week you will be in two minds about growing a beard. If you're
a man go for it, if your a woman, give it a try.

Lucky Band ZZ Top

Cancer June 22 – July 23


MMMM........crab......

Lucky side dish, Salad
Leo July 24 – Aug 23

At the start of the week you will be troubled with a feeling that you
have forgotten something, by next Friday, you will realise it was your pants.

Lucky Stone, Sylvester  


Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 23

You would think that given it 2017 it would be cool to be in the garden in underwear.
OK, it wasn't your garden or, your underwear, but still.

Unlucky Number - 999

Libra Sept 24 – Oct 23


This week you may find a large man in your garden in your
under wear, please don't judge.

Lucky Colour - See Through



Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 22


My ex wife was a Scorpio, so this week you will coming back from a very
expensive holiday with your new boyfriend, the flash one who works at the
gym you go to. No wonder you went every night. I did start to wonder though when you didn't lose any weight, you're still a fat cow....and he dyes his hair !

Lucky Rock... Hudson



Sagittarius Nov 23 – Dec 22


This week you will walk into a bar, there will be a Scotch man and an Irish Man. One of you
will tell a joke.

Lucky Punchline - and then my hat flew off !


Capricorn Dec 23 – Jan 20

Today you will read your horoscope and marvel how accurate it is and
you will tell all your friends.
Lucky Blog - This One...Subscribe


Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19




This week you will walk into a bar and meet a Sagittarius she will order a
double entendre and you will give her one.

Lucky Place - Across the road with the chicken



Pisces Feb 20 – March 20

This week you must avoid people with beards as they may be Captain Birdseye
all he wants to do is show you his fishy fingers. 

Unlucky Coating - Bread Crumbs



Random Joke of the Day





Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you... But smoking bacon will cure it.


Finish with a Song

This is The Verve with Sonnet released in 1997