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Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Sunday, 17 September 2017

Escape

In Today's Issue

Escape by Anne Rhodes
Great Escapes
Random Joke of the Day
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Finish with a Song




ESCAPE THE ENEMY                     © Anne Rhodes

Escape – that’s all folk seem to need, to do.
Compared to some, our problems are so small.
Unhappiness or heartache makes us cry.
The funny bits of life can pass us by.

A stubbed toe, a broken arm or finger,
The misery brought on by loneliness.
All these, though large in our own lives as such
Are merely our own emotional crutch.

Are nought, compared to those who flee from fear,
From death or bombs or now from burning homes
A lifetime spent without acknowledgement
Now the need for swift escape is rampant.

Their houses and their property are gone
Frail or babes in arms are carried some way
Escape from fear their only driving force
From cruel villains who have no remorse.

Generations pass still unaccepted
They did not ask to be ignored or shunned
They did not ask for such strong dismissal
Indeed, is such cruel treatment lawful?

Thousands and thousands collapse where they’re told
A banking, a muddy field which gets worse
The more arrive to churn its wat’ry sludge.
Too many to stay so onwards they trudge.

No-one would flee, yet bringing so little -
Walking for frightening mile upon mile
Reaching out for the world to succour them
In their time of need, and their fear to stem.

Our problems shrink to nought when thus compared
Our lives not in the same danger as theirs.
Their poor lives seem worse, the deeper one delves -
We only try to escape from ourselves.



Joseph Bolitho Johns, an Australia bushranger, escaped from prison so many times a special cell was built to hold him. The cell was so strong the Governor promised to forgive his crimes if he could escape again, which he did in 1867.


In 1942, Kazimierz Piechowski, an Auschwitz prisoner, escaped the camp along with three others by dressing up as Nazi officers and stealing a German captain’s car. When they arrived at the gate he simply shouted orders to the guards who let them pass with no questions asked.



Yoshie Shiratori, the “Showa Era escape artist,” is known for having escaped from prison four times by picking locks with wire, sawing floorboards with metal sheet, and digging his way out with a bowl.



In 1934, the Depression-era American gangster, John Dillinger, escaped using a fake pistol he whittled from a potato in his cell to intimidate 33 people before getting real sub-machine guns.



Mark DeFriest made 13 escape attempts, seven of them successful, after he was arrested for “stealing” tools left to him by his father. Believed to be an autistic savant, he could memorize jailors’ keys and reproduce them from anything available to him.



In 1995, Daniel Luther Heiss escaped prison after discovering that the key pictured on his prisoners’ information handbook was the master key for the entire prison, which he replicated.



When his bank loan con started going wrong, Steven Jay Russell feigned a heart attack and was transported to a hospital. There he impersonated an FBI agent and called the hospital on his cell phone to tell them he could be released.



In 2012, Choi Gap-bok used his yoga skills to escape from prison while the prison guards were sleeping by squeezing through the food slot at the bottom of his cell door. The slot measured 5.9 inches tall and 17.7 inches wide.




Random Joke of the Day
Experts say the new iPhone X is so innovative, It revolutionises how we ignore people standing next to us.



That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing


In 1912, a Paris orphanage held a raffle to raise money—the prizes were live babies.


Finish with a Song

Given the theme this is The Escape Song by Rupert Homes released in 1979.


Sunday, 10 September 2017

Swap Ideas Day




In Today's Issue

Swap Ideas Day
My Ideas
Did you know? creative ideas
Random Joke of the Day
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Contribute



Swap Ideas Day

This is the day for us to share and swap ideas and concepts. 

Some ideas are practical some are more abstract, whatever they are they are great to share if only to check their effectiveness.

This site is a great place to share your writing work and ideas and I am more than happy to help you develop that work.

To contribute just use the contact button on the side.




Ideas

Ideas in my head
They bobble around
Mixed with pictures
Sights and sounds

I hear a phrase
I hear a word
I let them fly
My idea bird

A man walks past
in too tight genes
What's his story
Could it mean.....

A woman with 
an ugly dog
Think in digital
or analogue?

So I write them down
for later use
For they will be used
In something obtuse




Did you Know?  Creative Ideas

72% OF PEOPLE HAVE CREATIVE INSIGHTS IN THE SHOWER


THE INTROVERTS ARE ONTO SOMETHING: SOLITUDE IS WHERE CREATIVITY THRIVES


TRYING NEW THINGS MAKES YOU MORE CREATIVE


TRAUMA HAS HIDDEN CREATIVE PROPERTIES


DAYDREAMING IS SURPRISINGLY GOOD FOR YOUR BRAIN


SOME OF THE BEST IDEAS ARE WIDELY RIDICULED BEFORE THEY’RE REVERED





Random Joke of the Day

"I'm sorry," said the barman, "we don't serve time travellers." 

A time traveller walks into a bar.




99.9% of your DNA is identical to that of everyone else in the world.





So, if you've got some writing or poetry you'd like to share to a GLOBAL audience. 

Then submit via the side button. Get you work read !!

Go on, have a go...









Friday, 8 September 2017

Junkie

In Today's Issue

Junkie by Anne Rhodes
Did you Know? Drugs
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Random Joke of the Day
Buy the Book
Finish with a Song





POEM -  JUNKIE???  ©  Anne Rhodes

I am a Junkie! Folk say I am hooked!
A paper-saver – with notes on each side
Printed, hand-written, wherever they looked
When touched each pile makes a paper landslide.

“Look it up again” their despairing cry
“Or file it neatly labelled in boxes”.
“That was the intention,” I give a sigh.
How to use Google adds to my stresses.

It’s better to print and read what I’ve got
To file stuff that’s important from the past.
To save stuff that later might mean a lot
Stuff that in theory I might need fast.

Granted that every flat surface is full
Of poems and stories and other work
Written when housework just doesn’t quite pull
Hobbies that create yet more paperwork!

Yet when I tidy it doesn’t get filed
I put it in carriers to make things neat.
No-one seems happy the way things are piled
How do folks manage this tidying feat?

Unshelved – unread - books all add to the mess.
Question is, really – why isn’t it done?
I should file more and type less I confess,

But without this stuff I couldn’t function!

Submissions

Lots of you have asked how you can submit your own work. Simply contact me via the contact buttons on the right and we'll take it from there. Remember this blog has a global audience of over
2,500 readers a week so this is a great opportunity to get your work out there and, more importantly...READ.

Go for it 





Drugs

1 – Drug addiction and abuse takes its toll on all  – Regardless of whether you struggle with addiction in a personal manner, the emotional and financial impact effect stems throughout every town and community.
2 – Drug addiction and abuse in American costs the taxpayers an average of $484 billion each year, £3.6 Billion in the UK. This number includes lost job wages, healthcare costs, crime, traffic accidents and associated costs of the criminal justice system.
3 – Drug addiction and abuse can be linked to at least ½ of all major crimes committed in the United States, in the UK it rises to 2/3.
4 – Nearly 2/3 of those found in addiction recovery centers report sexual or physical abuse as children. Studies show child abuse to be a major factor in later life drug addiction.
– A stimulant is a drug that provides users with added energy and contentment. Common stimulants include cocaine, amphetamines, nicotine and even caffeine, and can be quite addictive.
6 – Many drugs are addictive due to the chemical changes they impose on the brain. Brain chemistry affects how people act, feel and experience life in a general manner. By changing the equation, these substances can cause permanent harm and even psychosis.
– Any IV drug use increases the risk of HIV exponentially.
– Inhalants encompass an array of office and household products. Users will inhale the fumes emitted by these products to obtain a high. Common inhalants include paints, glues, gas and other chemicals. 
9 – Though a great many people tend to focus their attention on alcohol and illegal drug abuse, the most addictive drugs are often found in the medicine cabinet. Many people become addicted to medications prescribed by a licensed physician to treat chronic pain, anxiety or sleeplessness. Others steal medications from friends and family members or purchase them illegally.
10 – Though marijuana has garnered a reputation as a medicinal cure-all, the drug offers its fair share of side effects, including memory loss, learning issues, clumsiness, altered reality perceptions and increased heart rate. The THC found in marijuana works to inhibit brain function and can result in long-lasting effects even after a user has quit smoking.

There is a helpline for people in the UK who need help and advice about drugs its :

0300 888 3853

In the USA its ;

National 1-800 Crisis Hotline



98% of the DNA in your genes is exactly the same as a chimpanzee’s.


Polaroids. What Eskimos suffer from after sitting down
on the ice for too long.


By the Book

Sorry, blatant plug, but, if you like what you see on here and would like to see it translates into my writing please take a look on Amazon at my new book,

Tales of the Unaccepted


It's 8 short stories all with a twist.
There is an added bonus that, if you buy the book and leave a review, you will end up as a character in my next release due December 2017!



About the Author


Neville Raper invented You Tube, has swum the channel twice and is a habitual liar.
He lives in Yorkshire, where just like the locals, he says what he likes and likes what he says.
Broadcaster, Author, blogger, Neville is an occasional stand-up, and regular sit down.


Message from the Author.

Hi, thank you for buying this book unless you stole it, then shame on you.
Seriously, I hope you enjoy the stories within. A lot of people ask where I get the ideas from so I’ve taken the liberty of sharing the inspiration of each one. I hope that this may inspire you to write your own.
I’d like to say that this has been a long hard road to get to this point, but honestly, it hasn’t. I find writing a pleasure and having my work read a joy.
My ultimate goal is to write something that I would like to read and by doing so, hopefully, something you will enjoy reading as well.
So sit back, dim the lights, but not so much that you can’t read, and come with me on a journey.
These are all stories of ‘what if.' for isn’t that what life is all about?

Yours Forever
Neville


REVIEWS FOR TALES OF THE UNACCEPTED 

Top customer reviews

Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
Loved it...a lot of the stories had a twist which I really enjoyed. I also enjoyed the sneak preview of the next book.....
Comment  Looking for voting buttons? Sorry, we don't let customers vote on their own reviews.
Format: Paperback
Sinister,humorous,witty,thought provoking and a real page turner. If you enjoy the unexpected then this book is for you. An excellent read.

Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
It was a pleasure to read this book. Neville Raper is clearly a genuinely funny man. His engaging and self-deprecating sense of humour runs through these stories, but this is a lot more than just a funny book. Some of these stories explore the dark side of life and have a powerful sting in the tail (and tale).
This is not run-of-the-mill fiction. It is different, quirky and original.
I enjoy Neville’s easy style. He says that he enjoys writing and it shows. He has a real way with words. He uses excellent imagery in these pages and reveals himself as an astute observer of mankind.
I look forward to reading more of the work of this very promising writer.

Finish with a Song

This is the Verve with The drugs don't work released in 1997



Wednesday, 6 September 2017

Read a Book Day


In Today's Issue

Read a Book Day
My Book - Sneak Preview
Did you know? - Reading a Book
Random Joke of the Day
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Finish with a Song




Read a Book

Today's the day to pour yourself your favourite beverage, get comfy and immerse yourself in a good book.


Research has shown that reading can have several health and social benefits. Frequent readers tend to have lower stress levels than non-readers. In addition, reading can stimulate brain activity and improve memory. Socially, reading can reap a lot of benefits - well-read people tend to be more empathetic and aware of societal ills and differences.
Reading can also improve critical thinking and comprehension skills and can make people better writers.
So READ !





This is my latest book, available now on Amazon, check out the 5 Star reviews.

I have another book out this December, title to be confirmed, but here is an extract from, working title "Woolworth's Fine Dining"



Jack, at first, felt no trepidation about being alone and unable to see where his mother had gone.
He would look for her in a bit. He walked over to the middle of the store where stood a huge escalator, its teeth eating up the floor. Above it was a list of levels and their various departments. To Jack they looked like the destination boards used at airports, he could just imagine a week's holiday in Abi Dashery. There were six floors in total ranging from Homewares to Soft furnishings. But it was one level that immediately caught Jack's eye, so much so, that any thought of his mother paled into insignificance. Right there on floor 6, just by the side of, Store Restaurant was, TOYS.


Jack stepped onto the escalator; he marvelled at its robotic movement as it rose him up to the next floor, how the steps formed from nothing into large metal boxes to fade away again and be
sucked in by the flat floor. He ran around only to see it re-forming another ladder up to the next level.

Finally, he was approaching the sixth floor; it slowly appeared before his eyes like a developing picture, pixel by pixel and then here it was Nirvana.

Jack had no idea where to start, there were rows upon rows of action figures, construction toys, cars, guns, robots, in the corner of his eye he glimpsed dolls, he shuddered, "I'll keep away from that section" he mumbled to himself.

                                                                      ***

If Jack had owned a watch or had, to be honest, any concept of time, he would, perhaps be thinking to himself about where his Mum was or even, what time this store closes. He didn't, and he wasn't. It was 4.55; the store closed, as most did in the 1970’s, at 5.30.


                                                                       ***


Jack's first port of call was the action figure aisle. The only versions he'd ever had of these were the ones passed onto him by his brothers, all were imperfect soldiers, and he supposed like real survivors of battles, his artificial Infantry also had missing limbs. The ones in front of him,
though, were perfect. Raw recruits in his personal fantasy war, he could almost hear them, barking confirmation of orders that he had given. The cacophony of missiles and gunfire echoing around as his men stood steadfast against impossible odds, and, of course, always victorious.

He could do no more than fantasising at the moment, as each action figure was tightly bound in the lover's embrace of their individual cardboard coffins. Jack was only 12, but he knew that to open the boxes was wrong, but not for the store, they were just the faceless peddling pimps of these dreams in plastic. No Jack felt for the end recipient of these soldiers, although he'd never had anything remotely new for himself, he would never rob the joy of packaging opening to any child, that slightly panicky joy when a present is received for the outer peel to be shredded to find the fruit.

Jack turned away from the army in front of him, slightly saddened, he was immediately cheered by the sight of a massive model train display.

It was 5.25.

                                                                           ***


Jack was transfixed, Lilliputian trains chugged around a perfectly formed world. The whole display was mounted upon a decorated display box, made to look like a grass foundation. The array itself was about eight-foot square. There were towns, stations and bridges perfectly formed and in scale with the puffing trains. Tiny people frozen in place waiting for their tiny trips, it seemed to Jack that one click of his fingers would bring them out of their suspended animation.

"THIS STORE IS NOW CLOSING; PLEASE MAKE YOUR WAY TO THE EXIT"

A cardiac stab hit Jacks, heart, he whirled and sprinted to the escalator. They were turned off.

                                                                      ***


The escalator that, only minutes before was a gliding stairway now looked like a craggy cliffside, all metallic teeth and large drops, he'd have a problem getting down that safely he thought. He looked around for an alternative, STAIRS TO ALL FLOORS; he made his way to the far side of the toy department.

"Hello sssssonny "a serpentine voice stopped him in his tracks, he turned to see the figure of a store security officer, his incredible height was only eclipsed by his thinness. So thin he nearly

wasn't there, thought Jack. Dressed in black with a peaked hat he looked like a shadow waning in the evening sun.

"I'm just heading out" answered Jack, "well good luck withthth that" smiled the guard, "the doors are locked now", and as if to reinforce this fact, he jingled the keys attached to his belt, the store jailer thought Jack.

"Oh sorry, can you let me out" Jack was aware of the slight panic in his voice.

"Well that all depends ssssssonny" once again that rasping lisp, "will you pay ththththe toll? "

At twelve years old, although Jack had lived in his lovely cosseted life and had no real concept of such things, he suddenly felt a panic enveloping him as if now he was prey.

The security guard loomed over him, and Jack could swear he was starting to drool. Just like the girl downstairs on the "Pick and Mix" he looked……hungry.

Jack didn't even think he just reacted; he kicked the guard hard on the shin. The man shouted in pain, and it was at that moment that Jack's world changed, forever.


                                                                        ***


It was now 5.50 and the people rushing home outside the store were all wrapped up in their pre-occupation, even if they could hear through the insulated walls and thick reinforced glass, would any of them react to the screams of a young boy?

                                                                         ***

What, at that precise moment made Jack scream, was the man's teeth. They looked like needles dipped in egg yolks, yellow and greasy. This his sanity could take, it was the sheer number of them. He seemed to have hundreds and, in that split second he had seen them all in their horrific carnivore horror. You see they didn't just cover his gums; they seemed to run all the way down his throat. Jack wondered if the man's stomach lining was a mass of chomping enamel fangs, and in that final glimpse, the break from reality, what made Jack really cry in terror, was the man's tongue, it was a mass of erupting ulcers, undulating and popping, tiny volcanos of rancid infection

Jack spun on his heels and ran; he had no idea where he was going to go, anywhere as long as it was away from that monstrosity. He stumbled blindly aware that all the time the guard was calling him "Don't be sssssssilly ssssson, there's nowhere to go, and I've got the keys, come on pay thththe toll…."


Jack found himself in the toy section again. Now the lights had been mainly extinguished for the end of the working day. The only real light in this dimly lit area came from the miniature train set, cheerily chugging around its plastic world. Jack made for it, he could perhaps hide behind its structure, and the little light it cast could help him spot his pursuer. He squatted down, panting in shock and the exertion of running.

He felt the hot squirt of urine in his Y-fronts as the hand shot out from below the display and grabbed his ankle.






Did you know? - Reading a Book

1. Reading can help prevent Alzheimer’s.


2. Being a reader means you’re more likely to learn something new every day.




3. People who read are more likely to vote, exercise, and be more cultural. ( well 2 out of 3 )

4. Reading can be therapeutic.


5. Reading enhances your memory.


6. Reading actually does make you seem sexier, especially to women. ( I am saying nothing! )



7. Reading helps to boost your analytical thinking.


8. Reading expands your vocabulary, so you’ll sound like a genius.


9. Fiction books increase your ability to empathize with others.


10. People who read are more likely to get ahead when it comes to their careers, and life in general.






My insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas. 



In Japan you are more likely to be struck by lightning than you are being shot by a gun !!

Finish with a Song

This is Elvis Costello with Everyday I write a Book released in 1986