Witches Knickers

In Today's Issue

Witches Knickers by Anne Rhodes
Did you Know ? ... Witches
Friday's Advice Column with Anna Fender
Random Joke of the Day
That's Amaaaaaaaaaazing
Finish with a Song

Witches Knickers by Anne Rhodes

WITCHES KNICKERS        © Anne Rhodes

I heard on the radio, the other night,

Of the undies the witches leave behind

As they skim down low from a scary height

On whatever old transport they can find.

Don't ever believe those who swear as true

That broomsticks are all that witches can ride

Because when they're stuck, an old cloud will do

As transport across the dark countryside.

It's when the wind blows through the bare tree twigs

That they lose their knickers for all to see.

They ride far too close, hands holding their wigs,

Then modesty's gone with a one, two, three

What you think you see are thin plastic bags

Twisted and torn caught on those twigs so bare          

But in truth they're the pants, now blown to rags,

Of the witches who forgot to take care.

                                  They rushed on their broomsticks and scraped their knees                                         

Playing chase with their friends from high to low.

They snagged their knickers on those wintry trees

all modesty gone - they've no shame, you know!

You weren't sure that flying witches exist.

There's proof for you with their knickers flapping           

On all the branches in a plastic mist.

Those witches who play and cheer whilst clapping!

Did you Know - Witches
1.A witch is not a satanist. 

2.The broom stick was used for cleansing rituals not for flying. 

3.The witches hat at one time represented authority and the respect from the local community. 

4.Most villages and rural community had a wise women in the past, who were later accused of being an evil witch by the church. 

5.Most women accused of witch craft where innocent that included the many mid-wives. 

6.You wouldn't know a witch if they where speaking to you, there is no preference for clothing nor age. 

7.Witch craft is considered pagan but can have elements of many other religions including Christianity. 

8.Men can be witches. 

9.A witch can be solitary(hedge witch) or belong to a coven. 

10. A witches familiar is not always a cat but can be anything from a spirit to a door mouse.

Fridays Advice Column 

With your host - Anna Fender

Hello everyone, my name is Anna Fender, I have been a specialist in giving advice since I was three months. I remember, at that time, advising my Mummy and Daddy on contraception,
I wanted to be an only child...

This week I've had a letter from a young lady from Barnsley, obviously, in order to ensure I

keep her anonymity I wont tell you her name is Miss Carrie Okie.

Ey Up Anna,

I have a rite shocking  problem with fly away hair.

No matter what I put on it, hairspray, lard ! nothing seems to work. It's always flying about, it looks like I comb it with an egg whisk...

Can you help T'old luv?

Carrie Okie

Dear Barnsley girl,

Yes, of course I can help.

Simply pop down to your local Q and B and buy yourself some
"No more nails" or any such extra strong glue.

Rub it into your hair, as you would your lard, let it set and viola your hair

will never fly away again......never.

Your's Anna

Random Joke of the Day

If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to 10. Unless of course you're angry about oxygen and numbers.

That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing !

Baked beans aren't baked, they are stewed.


Finish with a Song

This is Witchy Woman by The Eagles released in 1972

Black Dog

In Today's Issue

Depression
My Black Dog
Facts about Depression
How to Help Yourself
Random Joke of the Day
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Finish with a Song

Depression
A mental condition characterized by feelings of severe despondency and dejection, typically also with feelings of inadequacy and guilt, often accompanied by lack of energy and disturbance of appetite and sleep.

  

MESSAGE TO MY BLACK DOG

Black, Blacker, Blackish, Blacked

I hate your weight your

Metal hat

You push me down

On to my knees

My iconoclastic surreal disease

You stop me being

You make me hurt

The scars run deep

I am the dirt.

I live a lie

Reconstructed truth

You eat my age

Consume my youth

  

You change reality

I am a clown of blood soaked

Banality

A player with an empty frown

One real truth

I will let you down

Facts About Depression

                                                                                                                                                                      

Depression distorts your thinking. When you are depressed, your mind can play tricks on you. If you have thoughts of suicide, please call someone immediately. Don't let a temporary glitch in your thinking cause you to harm yourself or another.

Depression makes it hard to give. It's very hard to think of other people when you're wrapped in a prickly blanket of sadness, and all you can think about is your own pain. Be proactive and just a few steps you need to heal. Try reading a book to help you understand what you are going through and how best to deal with it.

Alcohol is a depressant. So are marijuana and a host of other recreational or street drugs. Self-medication is not going to get you better and will surely make you worse over time. Remember that all medications, including anti-depressants, have side effects.

People don't choose to be depressed, but they do make a choice about how to deal with it. You can choose to do nothing, but denying that you have a problem will only make you feel worse. Choose to just make one step, just one and if it feels okay, try it again. That's how many people get through it.

The origin of depression can be situational and/or bio-chemical. If you are experiencing mild to moderate situational depression (resulting from the loss of a job, for example), counseling will help you. Most bio-chemical depressions that are moderate to severe are best treated with a combination of medicine and psychotherapy.

Depression can be as hard on your loved ones as it is on you. Those closest to you may start to feel unloved, and may distance themselves so they aren't pulled into your pain. Remember that others are counting on you.

Exercise is the easiest and least expensive cure for depression. Just walking 30 minutes a day will help you and sometimes completely alleviate your symptoms. For this very reason, many therapists take walks with clients instead of doing "couch time."

Ways to help Yourself

(source Mind)

Look after yourself

• Get good sleep. For lots of people who experience depression, sleeping too little or too much can be a daily problem. Getting good sleep can help to improve your mood and increase your energy levels. 
• Eat well. Eating a balanced and nutritious diet can help you feel well, think clearly and increase your energy levels. 
• Keep active. Many people find exercise a challenge but gentle activities like yoga, swimming or walking can be a big boost to your mood. 

Practise self-care

• Work out what makes you happy. Try making a list of activities, people and places that make you happy or feel good. Then make a list of what you do every day. It probably won't be possible to include all the things that make you happy but try to find ways to bring those things into your daily routine.

• Treat yourself. When you're feeling down, it can be hard to feel good about yourself. Try to do at least one positive thing for yourself every day. This could be taking the time for a long bath, spending time with a pet or reading your favourite book. See our relaxation tips for some ideas of things to do.

• Be kind to yourself. None of us achieve all our goals. Don't beat yourself up if you don't do something you planned to, or find yourself feeling worse again. Try to treat yourself as you would treat a friend, and be kind to yourself.

Keep active

• Join a group. This could be anything from a community project or a sports team to a hobby group. The important thing is to find an activity you enjoy, or perhaps something you've always wanted to try, to help you feel motivated.
• Try new things. Trying something new, like starting a new hobby, learning something new or even trying new food, can help boost your mood and break unhelpful patterns of thinking and behaviour.
• Try volunteering. Volunteering (or just offering to help someone out) can make you feel better about yourself and less alone. 
• Set realistic goals. Try to set yourself achievable goals, like getting dressed every day or cooking yourself a meal. Acheiving your goals can help you feel good and boost your self-confidence, and help you move on to bigger ones.

Challenge your low mood

• Keep a mood diary. This can help you keep track of any changes in your mood, and you might find that you have more good days than you think. It can also help you notice if any activities, places or people make you feel better or worse.

Random Joke of the Day

I gave a brilliant speech today to a group of backpackers. They were on the edge of their seats.

There is a McDonald's on every continent except Antarctica

Finish with a Song
This is Johnny Cash with Hurt, released in 2002

Dog Appreciation Day

In Today's Issue

Dog Appreciation Day
Albert
Doggy Facts
Random Joke of The Day
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Finish with a Song

Dog Appreciation Day

Man's Best Friend

Often known as man's best friend, dogs were the first animals to be domesticated by humans and they were often used for guarding property, herding stock, and for hunting game. Today, dogs are used as companions and are considered to be a member of the family in many parts of the world.

The unofficial holiday is also sometimes called World Dog Day, National Dog Appreciation Day, or International Dog Day.

How to Celebrate?

• Adopt a dog and give it a loving home.
• If you have a dog, treat them with their favourite treats.
• If you are unable to have a dog in your family, celebrate the day by donating your time and money to the local animal and dog shelter.

Albert

My furry best pal

who sits on my lap

brown eared but mostly white

My little chap

he has an eyepatch

but sails no sea

apart from the ones

He build from his pee

he growls and he snarls

He barks and he yips

and when the postman arrives

its the apocalypse

He annoys me sometimes

when he barks at the telly

and when he lets one go

It's silent but smelly

But I love my little dog

despite all his crimes

Because without him in my life

It would no longer rhyme

A portrait of my doggy, I did it with pastels and water colour,,,


Doggy Facts
(source cesarsway.com)

1. Your dog is as smart as a 2-year-old toddler.
   There’s a reason your tot and your pup get along so well: they speak the same language. Or at least, they likely understand roughly the same number of words and gestures — 250!
    
2. Dogs and cats both slurp water the same way.
   This may be hard to believe since dogs are such messy drinkers, but just like cats, our canine friends bend the tip of their tongue and raise liquid in a column up to their mouths.
    
3. Your dog does have a sense of time — and misses you when you’re gone.
   If you think your dog knows when it’s time for dinner or a walk, you’re right! Dogs pick up on our routines and habits, and they also sense how much time has passed. One study showed how dogs responded differently to their owners being gone for different lengths of time.
    
4. Your dog’s whiskers help him “see” in the dark.
   Okay, it’s not quite night-vision or a super power, but those whiskers pick up on even subtle changes in air currents, providing your pup with information about the size, shape, and speed of things nearby. This allows your dog to better sense approaching dangers or prey — even at night.
    
5. Dogs only have sweat glands in their paws.
   More specifically, they are found between their paw pads. That’s why it can help to wet the bottom of their feet on a hot day, and it’s also why dogs rely on panting as a means of cooling down.
    
6. On average, a dog’s mouth exerts 320 pounds of pressure.
   The tests were done on a German shepherd, American pit bull terrier, and Rottweiler. In comparison, human beings exert 120 pounds, white sharks exert 600 pounds, and crocodiles exert a whopping 2,500 pounds! Dogs also have ten more adult teeth than humans — 42 versus 32.
    
7. Your one year-old pup is as physically mature as a 15-year-old human.
   Of course, different breeds age a little differently. Large dogs age faster than small ones. 
    
8. Your dog’s sense of smell is 1,000 to 10 million times better than yours.
   Depending on the breed, your dog has between 125 million to 300 million scent glands — compared to only 5 million for humans. And the part of your dog’s brain that controls smell is 40 times larger than yours — that’s true, even though the canine brain is much smaller than the human, relative to size. A human’s brain is about 1/40th of their body weight while a dog’s brain is only 1/125th. Don’t feel too smug, though — an ant’s brain is 1/7th its body weight.
    
9. Dogs can hear 4 times as far as humans.
   Puppies may be born deaf, but they quickly surpass our hearing abilities. Dogs can also hear higher pitched sounds, detecting a frequency range of 67 to 45,000 hertz (cycles per second). The human range is from 64 to 23,000 hertz. In both dogs and humans, the upper end of hearing range decreases with age.
    
10. Your dog can smell your feelings.
    Your pup can pick up on subtle changes in your scent, which can help him figure out how you are feeling — such as by smelling your perspiration when you become nervous or fearful. It’s also likely how dogs can detect certain diseases or know that a household member is pregnant.

Random Joke of the Day

My mum walked in my room & said "You'll go blind if you do that" I was so embarrassed, I dropped my binoculars & missed the eclipse

That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing

Houseflies don’t allow their short lifespans (14 days) to hinder their musical abilities. They always hum in the key of F.

Finish with a Song

Given the theme this is the Baha Men and Who Let the Dogs Out, released
in 2000.

Limericks

In today's post :-


Limerick Facts
A Limerick
Today's Advice Column with Anne Tandek
Random Joke of the Day
Finish with a Song

k of Nonsense

A Scheme

A Limerick is a genre of poetry that traditionally has 5 lines and has an AABBA rhyme scheme. A rhyme scheme is the pattern of rhymes in a poem. To identify a poem's rhyme scheme, each line is designated with a letter. Lines that share a letter rhyme have words at the end that rhyme with each other. This means that in a limerick, which has an AABBA rhyme scheme, the words at the end of the first, second and fifth sentences rhyme, while the words at the end of the third and fourth sentence rhyme with each other.

Traditionally, the first line of a limerick introduced a person and a place and the rest of the poem described a humorous and often times obscene situation involving the subject or the place.

How to Celebrate?

• Celebrate Limerick Day by reading some of Lear's limericks. Also, check out other poets' limericks as well.
• Write your own limericks and share them with your family and friends.

Facts About Limericks

Nobody knows for sure why limericks are named limericks. 

An early example of a poem which resembles a limerick was written by Queen Elizabeth I. 

‘The Doubt of Future Foes’, written in around 1571, Elizabeth (who reigned from 1558 until 1603) Mary Queen of Scots: 

‘The daughter of debate, 

that eke discord doth sowe, 

Shal reape no gaine where

 formor rule hath taught

stil peace to growe’. 

The rhythm and basic form, if not the rhyme scheme, anticipate the modern limerick.

There’s a limerick in Shakespeare’s Othello. 

Written around 1604, Iago sings a drinking song which he claims he heard in England:

And let me the canakin clink, clink; 

And let me the canakin clink: 

A soldier’s a man;

A life’s but a span; 

Why then let a soldier drink.

Edward Lear made the form famous in the nineteenth century. 

One of the best-known facts about limericks is that Edward Lear wrote them. In his 1846 Book of Nonsense.

A Limerick ......

A clever young fellow from Leeds

Stupidly swallowed a package of seeds.

Great tufts of fine grass

Sprouted out of his @rse

And his nuts got covered with weeds.

Today's Advice Column :-

Hello everyone, my name is Anne Tandek, I have been a specialist in giving advice since
I was three months. I remember, at that time, advising my Mummy and Daddy on contraception,
I wanted to be an only child...

This week I've had a letter from a young lady from Essex, Obviouly, I want to conserve he anonymity,
so I won't tell you her name is, Hope Ingforit..

Dear Anne,

I have terrible problem with my fake tan.

I apply it every morning with makeup trowel, but if  I go out in the rain, it runs.

I end up with tan running down my face.

With my lovely pound shop blonde extensions I end up looking like a pint of Guinness.

Can you help?

Love Hope Tngforit

Dear Essex girl,

Yes, I can help.

Simply pop down to your local Q and B and buy yourself some
"Curprenol" or any such waterproof fence stainer.

I believe they come in several "tan colours, I suggest "Mahogany"

One application and I guarantee you'll be waterproof for at least
5 years..

Your's Anne

Random Joke of The Day

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says: "five beers please."

Finish with a Song

Given the theme this is U2 with ..With or Without You,

released in 1987.