International Forgiveness Day

In Today's Issue

International Forgiveness Day
Forgive Me
Random Joke of The Day
Albert's Bit
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Finish with a Song

International Forgiveness Day

Forgiveness Day is a day to forgive and to be forgiven. 

So today take a time to forgive someone, after all, we are all, only human

Forgive Me

All my trespasses and those who
have trespassed against me
Forgive my unforgivable acts
I could always see

Sometimes my thoughts
are not quite my own
But him without sin
Well throw that hard stone

I have done awful things
and have punished myself
beyond anything metered out
jailed by mental health

I have ran, I have fled
I have fought, I have bled

But I never escape
The man in the mirror
My hopes and my dreams
Never get nearer

So I'll try and I hope 
And pray I will cope

So forgive my misdeeds
Lend me your prayer beads
And let me just live
and let live

Random Joke of the Day

I think my job interview to be a Bug Sorter went well. I boxed all the right ticks............

Now Albert's bit :-

Hello to all my human fans.....

Well this week I've started pooing on the bathroom mat.

I've seen Nev do it, so I thought it was probably the best place. Obviously, I didn't do it in the 

toilet as that's where I drink !

Nev seems pretty pleased as he picks it up and flushes it away. That's if he notices, the other day, for some reason he stood in it and then danced across the bathroom to the shower, very strange ! and

the language, well I can tell you, it turned my brown ears blue.

He muttered something about feeding me condoms, then on a morning it'll be ready bagged !!

Well gotta go now,..... Postman to catch and all that....

See you all soon !!

Albert x

That's Amaaaaaaaaaaazing

The medical name for your bum crack is......Intergluteal Cleft


Finish with a Song

This is Don Henley with Heart of the Matter, released in 1989

Dog Appreciation Day

In Today's Issue

Dog Appreciation Day
Albert
Doggy Facts
Random Joke of The Day
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Finish with a Song

Dog Appreciation Day

Man's Best Friend

Often known as man's best friend, dogs were the first animals to be domesticated by humans and they were often used for guarding property, herding stock, and for hunting game. Today, dogs are used as companions and are considered to be a member of the family in many parts of the world.

The unofficial holiday is also sometimes called World Dog Day, National Dog Appreciation Day, or International Dog Day.

How to Celebrate?

• Adopt a dog and give it a loving home.
• If you have a dog, treat them with their favourite treats.
• If you are unable to have a dog in your family, celebrate the day by donating your time and money to the local animal and dog shelter.

Albert

My furry best pal

who sits on my lap

brown eared but mostly white

My little chap

he has an eyepatch

but sails no sea

apart from the ones

He build from his pee

he growls and he snarls

He barks and he yips

and when the postman arrives

its the apocalypse

He annoys me sometimes

when he barks at the telly

and when he lets one go

It's silent but smelly

But I love my little dog

despite all his crimes

Because without him in my life

It would no longer rhyme

A portrait of my doggy, I did it with pastels and water colour,,,


Doggy Facts
(source cesarsway.com)

1. Your dog is as smart as a 2-year-old toddler.
   There’s a reason your tot and your pup get along so well: they speak the same language. Or at least, they likely understand roughly the same number of words and gestures — 250!
    
2. Dogs and cats both slurp water the same way.
   This may be hard to believe since dogs are such messy drinkers, but just like cats, our canine friends bend the tip of their tongue and raise liquid in a column up to their mouths.
    
3. Your dog does have a sense of time — and misses you when you’re gone.
   If you think your dog knows when it’s time for dinner or a walk, you’re right! Dogs pick up on our routines and habits, and they also sense how much time has passed. One study showed how dogs responded differently to their owners being gone for different lengths of time.
    
4. Your dog’s whiskers help him “see” in the dark.
   Okay, it’s not quite night-vision or a super power, but those whiskers pick up on even subtle changes in air currents, providing your pup with information about the size, shape, and speed of things nearby. This allows your dog to better sense approaching dangers or prey — even at night.
    
5. Dogs only have sweat glands in their paws.
   More specifically, they are found between their paw pads. That’s why it can help to wet the bottom of their feet on a hot day, and it’s also why dogs rely on panting as a means of cooling down.
    
6. On average, a dog’s mouth exerts 320 pounds of pressure.
   The tests were done on a German shepherd, American pit bull terrier, and Rottweiler. In comparison, human beings exert 120 pounds, white sharks exert 600 pounds, and crocodiles exert a whopping 2,500 pounds! Dogs also have ten more adult teeth than humans — 42 versus 32.
    
7. Your one year-old pup is as physically mature as a 15-year-old human.
   Of course, different breeds age a little differently. Large dogs age faster than small ones. 
    
8. Your dog’s sense of smell is 1,000 to 10 million times better than yours.
   Depending on the breed, your dog has between 125 million to 300 million scent glands — compared to only 5 million for humans. And the part of your dog’s brain that controls smell is 40 times larger than yours — that’s true, even though the canine brain is much smaller than the human, relative to size. A human’s brain is about 1/40th of their body weight while a dog’s brain is only 1/125th. Don’t feel too smug, though — an ant’s brain is 1/7th its body weight.
    
9. Dogs can hear 4 times as far as humans.
   Puppies may be born deaf, but they quickly surpass our hearing abilities. Dogs can also hear higher pitched sounds, detecting a frequency range of 67 to 45,000 hertz (cycles per second). The human range is from 64 to 23,000 hertz. In both dogs and humans, the upper end of hearing range decreases with age.
    
10. Your dog can smell your feelings.
    Your pup can pick up on subtle changes in your scent, which can help him figure out how you are feeling — such as by smelling your perspiration when you become nervous or fearful. It’s also likely how dogs can detect certain diseases or know that a household member is pregnant.

Random Joke of the Day

My mum walked in my room & said "You'll go blind if you do that" I was so embarrassed, I dropped my binoculars & missed the eclipse

That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing

Houseflies don’t allow their short lifespans (14 days) to hinder their musical abilities. They always hum in the key of F.

Finish with a Song

Given the theme this is the Baha Men and Who Let the Dogs Out, released
in 2000.

International Potato Day

In Today's Issue

International Potato Day
Potato's
Potato facts.....(I found some!)
Random Joke of the Day
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Finish with a Song

International Potato Day

One potato two potato three potato four.....today is the day to rejoice in the humble

spud. 

So today enjoy them mashed, fried, boiled or in their skins ! Chips !!! 

Potato's

We call them chips

to some they are fries

Potato's have skins

and even have eyes.

We smash them to bits

with our metal mashers

and munch them up 

with our white gnashers

We're vegitable cannibles

peeling and chipping

crisping them up in

Oil, lard or dripping

And in the end we

enjoy them cooked 

From East to West 

They've got us hooked

Potato Facts

Potatoes are a member of the nightshade family, which also includes tomatoes, capsicum and the poisonous belladonna.

On average each global citizen eats 33kg of potatoes each year. Australians, clearly potato lovers, eat a whopping 60kg per person every year!

In 1995 the potato became the first vegetable to be grown in space when seeds were germinated on the spaceshuttle Columbia.

The Incans in South America were the first people to cultivate the potato as long ago as 200BCE.

The Spanish introduced the potato to Europe following the Conquest in the sixteenth century (and the word 'potato' comes from the Spanish patata).

In 1845 an outbreak of a disease called late blight decimated the Irish potato crop, which in turn caused the Great Irish Famine, believed to be responsible for over 1 million deaths in Ireland and the migration of a further million.

Good news for fans of mash: humans can apparently survive on a diet of just potatoes, and milk or butter, which contain Vitamin A and D, the only vitamins missing from the humble spud.

China is currently the world's largest producer of potatoes.

Potatoes contain a poisonous compound called solanines, which can reach toxic levels in green potatoes, in rare cases causing headaches, diarrhoea, cramps, and in isolated instances even coma and death.

Random Joke of the Day

I said to the baker.. "How come all your cakes are 50p and that one's £1" He said..." that's Madeira cake"

The world's biggest potato, weighing a hefty 3.76kg, was grown by English farmer Peter Glazebrook in 2010.

Finish with a Song

Given the theme, this is Bobby Picket with The Monster Mash, Released in 1962

International Bad Poetry Day

In Today's Issue

International Bad Poetry Day
A Bad Poem
Trivial Top 10
Random Joke of the Day
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Finish with a Song

International Bad Poetry Day

Bad Poetry Day is a day to create some really bad prose. 

But, why you say?
Do we have such a day

I think its just
because we can
And make us all
A "good" poetry fan

So why not try
to write your own
but don't be boring
and make us yawn

So celebrate this
bad poetry day
but like what you mean
and mean what you say !


So celebrate, write a poem.... It might be great !!

A Bad Poems

Some might say all my poetry is bad !!

Rose are red
Violets are Blue
Bacon is yummy
and so are you
it's just a shame I'm Jewish.....

I wandered lonely as a cloud
Then rained on you
B@stard

How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways
I've got to 3, but I don't think you'll go for 69

Top 10 Types of Poetry
(source everywriter.com)

1. Free Verse

Not to be mixed up with blank verse, free verse is poetic form/technique where the poet does not follow the conventions of any meter or rhyme.

2. Haiku

This is the only poem that rivals free verse these days. People love the Haiku. It’s a 3 line poem generally where first and last lines have 5 syllables, and the middle has seven syllables.

3. Sonnet

There are various forms of sonnets, but the most popular tends to be the English or Shakespearean sonnet. It is a 14 line poem written in iambic pentameter. The poem will end in a rhyming couplet. There are much more to these of course, but this is the general definition. There is also the Italian or Petrarchan sonnet. The English sonnet seems to be the most attempted.

4. Blank Verse

This is basiclly a poem written in Iambic pentameter but it does not rhyme. It can follow other meter, but Iambic pentameter is the most common by far.

5. Limerick

A Limerick is at it’s core (and there is more too them) a 5 line poem that follows a strict meter and always has a AABBA rhyme scheme.

6. Tanka

Related in a sense to the Haiku,  the Tanka poem is basically a poem that has 5,7,5,7,7 for it’s lines. So it’s basically a Haiku with 2 seven syllable lines added on to the end.

7. Cinquain

At it’s very base this is simply a 5 line poem. So The Tanka above falls into this classification, but the most popular Cinquain that people want you to write when you say, Let’s write a cinquain is generally in English that follows a rhyme scheme of ababb, abaab or abccb.

8. Sestina

It’s probably easier to write a sestina than it is to explain how to write one. So its a six stanza of six lines each with a triplet at the end. Each stanza has the same 6 words at the end of each line of the poem. So basically the words that end the lines fo the first stanza are rotated over and over again at the end of the lines of the next stanza.

9. Villanelle

Here is another poetic, but it’s not easy to explain nor easy to write. The most famous one of these is Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night by Dylan Thomas. The form is basically a 19 line poem that has five 3 line stanzas. The first line of the poem and the last line of the first stanza becomes a refrains (repeated) again and again until the last stanza. Basically, line 1, 3 become beginning and ending lines of all the other stanzas.

10. Acrostic

This is a simple poetry form, newer than the rest on this page. The Acrostic is basically a poem that uses the up and down letters of a poem to spell a word or phrase. So the first letter of each line could be pulled out to spell a word.

Random Joke of the Day

I couldn't believe it today when my son came home with two armchairs and a settee. I've told him a million times, never accept suites from strangers.

All humans are 99.9% genetically identical and 98.4% of human genes are the same as the genes of a chimpanzee. The genetic similarity between a human and a cat is 90%, with a mouse 85%, a dog 84%, a cow 80%, a pumpkin 75%, a banana 60% and with a cabbage 57%.


Finish with a Song

This is the Verve with Sonnet released in 1997

Poem to my Boiler

In Today's Issue

A poem to my Boiler by Lynda McCraight
Central Heating Facts !??
Random Joke of the Day
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Contribute
Finish with a Song

Message to My Boiler – a Glow Worm on the Blink

I’m fed up with your inconstancy, blowing hot, blowing cold!

I can’t read you anymore.

Your toggles no longer respond to my touch.

I can flick a knob that gets you all hot and bothered, but

 One stroke too few and we’re reduced to the Arctic.

At night, when I’m relaxing in my room, I crave a little gentle heat. 

What do I get, honey?

Well, first you bake me, then you burn me, then I’m boiled.

Next you roast me, then you scorch me, till I’m broiled,

Seared like a chicken kebab.

Dry throat, dry eyes, dry nose.

I sweat and swelter and resort to stripping off.

Eventually, when the temperature’s lowered, you retreat

To your little cupboard, for an attack of the vapours.

 I spot the steam escaping from my outer wall.

You’re a schoolboy, caught smoking behind the bike sheds.

You emit your low, hissing sound all day long

And keep me awake at night, like no other man has.

In the morning, you shower me with tepid water, keeping all my ablutions to a minimum.

You may think all the power is yours, but -

 Just as I initially turned you on -

I can just as easily turn you off.

PING!

Facts About Central Heating

The earliest form of internal heating was in the form of hypocausts. Invented by the Romans back in 100BC, hypocausts were powered by an underground furnace fuelled by burning biomass. The heat rose to elevated floors and heated the tiles underneath. Due to the inefficiency of this method and the amount of manpower needed, hypocausts were generally restricted to the very wealthy and for public bath houses.

Fast forward to 18th century France. Jean Simon Bonnemain (1743-1830) invents the first closed water system to help ease food shortages. The toasty warm eggs upped the population of chickens and filled many empty stomachs.

Franz San-Galli patents the modern radiator in 1857. Many dispute his contribution to the invention.

Radiators are a lie. They warm a room using convection, not heat radiation.

Feel the need to flip on the thermostat come October 1st? So do you and thousands others. October 1st is Central Heating Day; the day where most people are likely to switch on their home radiators.

The advancements in modern heating mean that there are more and more outlandish radiators available on the market. Would you like your T-Rex radiator, in black or black?

The average London building has an internal temperature of 22⁰C, 4⁰C above the optimal temperature. 

Random Joke of the Day

My grandad always said 'don't believe everything you hear' It was great advice. Or was it?

That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."

Contribute

If you'd like to get your writing "out there" you can use the sidebar contact form to send me your work. It will reach a global audience of 3k people a week. Go for it !


Finish with a Song

Given the theme this is Billy Joel and We didn't start the Fire, released in 1989.

International Tell a Joke Day

In Today's Issue

International Tell a Joke Day
Stand up Poem
What make me laugh ?
Trivial Top 10, The Richest Stand Ups
Random Joke of the Day
Finish with a Song


International Tell a Joke Day

Hey lets get serious.... not....Today is the day to tell a joke, I've been known to tell a few.
I've performed stand up and have written humour for over 20 years now so I think I can tell a joke.

There is nothing like being able to make another person laugh, to change their mood and in effect modify their behaviour.

Too many times we underestimate the power of the comedian, their ability to string a sentence together that makes us laugh, but why do we laugh? what makes a joke funny.

Recently a scientist proved that jokes can all be broken into 8 patterns.

Alastair Clarke, a British evolutionary theorist, identified eight patterns which all jokes could fit into no matter where you come from in the world.

Mr Clarke came to his conclusions after studying more than 20,000 examples of humour through the ages, from a man breaking wind in the 14th century Miller's Tale by Geoffrey Chaucer to modern television sketch shows such as Little Britain.

All the humour could fit into the eight categories regardless of civilisation, culture or personal taste.

"While it may seem bizarre to some, these few patterns are the real stimulus that makes us laugh, regardless of the content of the sitcom we're watching or the funny story we're being told," said Mr Clarke, who is publishing his findings in a book.

He said the brain subconsciously seeks out the patterns and when it discovers them is rewarded for its efforts.

"Sometimes a single pattern is the cause but just as often combinations of two or three are recognised simultaneously," he said.

"Theoretically there is no limit to the number of patterns that may combine to make a person laugh."

The patterns include "positive repetition" such as Little Britain's "Only gay in the village" catchphrase and "scale" like the oversized features on caricatures in Spitting Image.

There is also "qualification" where a familiar word is said in an unfamiliar way. An example of this is Inspector Clouseau's accent in the Pink Panther films.

"Qualitative recontextualisation" is described as when something you know well is changed. An example of this is when you laugh at someone's new haircut.

"Application" is words having a double meaning.

The other three patterns are "completion" where the audience has to guess at, imagine or complete a phrase or scenario, "division" where a joke is broken up and told by different people and "opposition" which covers irony and sarcasm.

(source Telegraph)

But enough of the theory, lets get down to the practical :-

My Stand up Hand !

Stand up Poem

I went to the Dentist

He looked in my mouth

He told me the news

My teeth had gone south

He gave me the choice

Choose gold or some nickel

I made up my mind

To have cheese and pickle

When I was a boy

Of spooks was afraid

They’d plague my night

My dreams they’d invade

My mum to my room

Allaying my fears

Leave me alone

You've been dead 19 years

My granddad demised

Passed away in his sleep

A gentle way

For the reaper to reap

He did not cry 

For his life he’d not bid

Unlike the way his passengers did

I got in a fight

What a terrible fuss

A big skinhead

As I got off the bus

He growled and he cursed

And furrowed his brow

Agoraphobic he was

He said inside right now!

Humpty Dumpty

Sat On a wall

Humpty Dumpty

Had a great fall

The build of the wall

Was quite Defect

He made 10 grand

With claims direct 

If you don’t like this rhyme

Find the jokes such a crime

I’m deaf to your bleats

So stick with your Keats

Copyright Neville Raper Jan 2017

So,,,, A lot of people often ask, well ... my Mum, "what makes you laugh?"

Here is my favourite comedian, Steve Delaney as his alter ego Count Arthur Strong. I urge you to watch !!!

The Top 10 Richest Comedians in the World

10. Sebastian Maniscalo: $15.0 Million

9. Jeff Dunham: $15.0 Million

#8. Terry Fator: $18.5 Million

#7. Jim Gaffigan: $30.5 Million

#6. Kevin Hart: $32.5 Million

#5. Amy Schumer: $37.5 Million

4. Dave Chappelle: $47.0 Million

#3. Louis C.K.: $52.0 Million

#2. Chris Rock: $57.0 Million

#1. Jerry Seinfeld: $69.0 Million

But who is the richest UK stand up in 2017 :-

John Bishop - £7 Million

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card? Me: 12 pt. Arial bold?

Finish with a Song.

This is the Divine Comedy with National Express, released in 1998