Witches Knickers

In Today's Issue

Witches Knickers by Anne Rhodes
Did you Know ? ... Witches
Friday's Advice Column with Anna Fender
Random Joke of the Day
That's Amaaaaaaaaaazing
Finish with a Song

Witches Knickers by Anne Rhodes

WITCHES KNICKERS        © Anne Rhodes

I heard on the radio, the other night,

Of the undies the witches leave behind

As they skim down low from a scary height

On whatever old transport they can find.

Don't ever believe those who swear as true

That broomsticks are all that witches can ride

Because when they're stuck, an old cloud will do

As transport across the dark countryside.

It's when the wind blows through the bare tree twigs

That they lose their knickers for all to see.

They ride far too close, hands holding their wigs,

Then modesty's gone with a one, two, three

What you think you see are thin plastic bags

Twisted and torn caught on those twigs so bare          

But in truth they're the pants, now blown to rags,

Of the witches who forgot to take care.

                                  They rushed on their broomsticks and scraped their knees                                         

Playing chase with their friends from high to low.

They snagged their knickers on those wintry trees

all modesty gone - they've no shame, you know!

You weren't sure that flying witches exist.

There's proof for you with their knickers flapping           

On all the branches in a plastic mist.

Those witches who play and cheer whilst clapping!

Did you Know - Witches
1.A witch is not a satanist. 

2.The broom stick was used for cleansing rituals not for flying. 

3.The witches hat at one time represented authority and the respect from the local community. 

4.Most villages and rural community had a wise women in the past, who were later accused of being an evil witch by the church. 

5.Most women accused of witch craft where innocent that included the many mid-wives. 

6.You wouldn't know a witch if they where speaking to you, there is no preference for clothing nor age. 

7.Witch craft is considered pagan but can have elements of many other religions including Christianity. 

8.Men can be witches. 

9.A witch can be solitary(hedge witch) or belong to a coven. 

10. A witches familiar is not always a cat but can be anything from a spirit to a door mouse.

Fridays Advice Column 

With your host - Anna Fender

Hello everyone, my name is Anna Fender, I have been a specialist in giving advice since I was three months. I remember, at that time, advising my Mummy and Daddy on contraception,
I wanted to be an only child...

This week I've had a letter from a young lady from Barnsley, obviously, in order to ensure I

keep her anonymity I wont tell you her name is Miss Carrie Okie.

Ey Up Anna,

I have a rite shocking  problem with fly away hair.

No matter what I put on it, hairspray, lard ! nothing seems to work. It's always flying about, it looks like I comb it with an egg whisk...

Can you help T'old luv?

Carrie Okie

Dear Barnsley girl,

Yes, of course I can help.

Simply pop down to your local Q and B and buy yourself some
"No more nails" or any such extra strong glue.

Rub it into your hair, as you would your lard, let it set and viola your hair

will never fly away again......never.

Your's Anna

Random Joke of the Day

If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to 10. Unless of course you're angry about oxygen and numbers.

That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing !

Baked beans aren't baked, they are stewed.


Finish with a Song

This is Witchy Woman by The Eagles released in 1972

International Forgiveness Day

In Today's Issue

International Forgiveness Day
Forgive Me
Random Joke of The Day
Albert's Bit
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Finish with a Song

International Forgiveness Day

Forgiveness Day is a day to forgive and to be forgiven. 

So today take a time to forgive someone, after all, we are all, only human

Forgive Me

All my trespasses and those who
have trespassed against me
Forgive my unforgivable acts
I could always see

Sometimes my thoughts
are not quite my own
But him without sin
Well throw that hard stone

I have done awful things
and have punished myself
beyond anything metered out
jailed by mental health

I have ran, I have fled
I have fought, I have bled

But I never escape
The man in the mirror
My hopes and my dreams
Never get nearer

So I'll try and I hope 
And pray I will cope

So forgive my misdeeds
Lend me your prayer beads
And let me just live
and let live

Random Joke of the Day

I think my job interview to be a Bug Sorter went well. I boxed all the right ticks............

Now Albert's bit :-

Hello to all my human fans.....

Well this week I've started pooing on the bathroom mat.

I've seen Nev do it, so I thought it was probably the best place. Obviously, I didn't do it in the 

toilet as that's where I drink !

Nev seems pretty pleased as he picks it up and flushes it away. That's if he notices, the other day, for some reason he stood in it and then danced across the bathroom to the shower, very strange ! and

the language, well I can tell you, it turned my brown ears blue.

He muttered something about feeding me condoms, then on a morning it'll be ready bagged !!

Well gotta go now,..... Postman to catch and all that....

See you all soon !!

Albert x

That's Amaaaaaaaaaaazing

The medical name for your bum crack is......Intergluteal Cleft


Finish with a Song

This is Don Henley with Heart of the Matter, released in 1989

International Potato Day

In Today's Issue

International Potato Day
Potato's
Potato facts.....(I found some!)
Random Joke of the Day
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Finish with a Song

International Potato Day

One potato two potato three potato four.....today is the day to rejoice in the humble

spud. 

So today enjoy them mashed, fried, boiled or in their skins ! Chips !!! 

Potato's

We call them chips

to some they are fries

Potato's have skins

and even have eyes.

We smash them to bits

with our metal mashers

and munch them up 

with our white gnashers

We're vegitable cannibles

peeling and chipping

crisping them up in

Oil, lard or dripping

And in the end we

enjoy them cooked 

From East to West 

They've got us hooked

Potato Facts

Potatoes are a member of the nightshade family, which also includes tomatoes, capsicum and the poisonous belladonna.

On average each global citizen eats 33kg of potatoes each year. Australians, clearly potato lovers, eat a whopping 60kg per person every year!

In 1995 the potato became the first vegetable to be grown in space when seeds were germinated on the spaceshuttle Columbia.

The Incans in South America were the first people to cultivate the potato as long ago as 200BCE.

The Spanish introduced the potato to Europe following the Conquest in the sixteenth century (and the word 'potato' comes from the Spanish patata).

In 1845 an outbreak of a disease called late blight decimated the Irish potato crop, which in turn caused the Great Irish Famine, believed to be responsible for over 1 million deaths in Ireland and the migration of a further million.

Good news for fans of mash: humans can apparently survive on a diet of just potatoes, and milk or butter, which contain Vitamin A and D, the only vitamins missing from the humble spud.

China is currently the world's largest producer of potatoes.

Potatoes contain a poisonous compound called solanines, which can reach toxic levels in green potatoes, in rare cases causing headaches, diarrhoea, cramps, and in isolated instances even coma and death.

Random Joke of the Day

I said to the baker.. "How come all your cakes are 50p and that one's £1" He said..." that's Madeira cake"

The world's biggest potato, weighing a hefty 3.76kg, was grown by English farmer Peter Glazebrook in 2010.

Finish with a Song

Given the theme, this is Bobby Picket with The Monster Mash, Released in 1962

International Bad Poetry Day

In Today's Issue

International Bad Poetry Day
A Bad Poem
Trivial Top 10
Random Joke of the Day
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Finish with a Song

International Bad Poetry Day

Bad Poetry Day is a day to create some really bad prose. 

But, why you say?
Do we have such a day

I think its just
because we can
And make us all
A "good" poetry fan

So why not try
to write your own
but don't be boring
and make us yawn

So celebrate this
bad poetry day
but like what you mean
and mean what you say !


So celebrate, write a poem.... It might be great !!

A Bad Poems

Some might say all my poetry is bad !!

Rose are red
Violets are Blue
Bacon is yummy
and so are you
it's just a shame I'm Jewish.....

I wandered lonely as a cloud
Then rained on you
B@stard

How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways
I've got to 3, but I don't think you'll go for 69

Top 10 Types of Poetry
(source everywriter.com)

1. Free Verse

Not to be mixed up with blank verse, free verse is poetic form/technique where the poet does not follow the conventions of any meter or rhyme.

2. Haiku

This is the only poem that rivals free verse these days. People love the Haiku. It’s a 3 line poem generally where first and last lines have 5 syllables, and the middle has seven syllables.

3. Sonnet

There are various forms of sonnets, but the most popular tends to be the English or Shakespearean sonnet. It is a 14 line poem written in iambic pentameter. The poem will end in a rhyming couplet. There are much more to these of course, but this is the general definition. There is also the Italian or Petrarchan sonnet. The English sonnet seems to be the most attempted.

4. Blank Verse

This is basiclly a poem written in Iambic pentameter but it does not rhyme. It can follow other meter, but Iambic pentameter is the most common by far.

5. Limerick

A Limerick is at it’s core (and there is more too them) a 5 line poem that follows a strict meter and always has a AABBA rhyme scheme.

6. Tanka

Related in a sense to the Haiku,  the Tanka poem is basically a poem that has 5,7,5,7,7 for it’s lines. So it’s basically a Haiku with 2 seven syllable lines added on to the end.

7. Cinquain

At it’s very base this is simply a 5 line poem. So The Tanka above falls into this classification, but the most popular Cinquain that people want you to write when you say, Let’s write a cinquain is generally in English that follows a rhyme scheme of ababb, abaab or abccb.

8. Sestina

It’s probably easier to write a sestina than it is to explain how to write one. So its a six stanza of six lines each with a triplet at the end. Each stanza has the same 6 words at the end of each line of the poem. So basically the words that end the lines fo the first stanza are rotated over and over again at the end of the lines of the next stanza.

9. Villanelle

Here is another poetic, but it’s not easy to explain nor easy to write. The most famous one of these is Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night by Dylan Thomas. The form is basically a 19 line poem that has five 3 line stanzas. The first line of the poem and the last line of the first stanza becomes a refrains (repeated) again and again until the last stanza. Basically, line 1, 3 become beginning and ending lines of all the other stanzas.

10. Acrostic

This is a simple poetry form, newer than the rest on this page. The Acrostic is basically a poem that uses the up and down letters of a poem to spell a word or phrase. So the first letter of each line could be pulled out to spell a word.

Random Joke of the Day

I couldn't believe it today when my son came home with two armchairs and a settee. I've told him a million times, never accept suites from strangers.

All humans are 99.9% genetically identical and 98.4% of human genes are the same as the genes of a chimpanzee. The genetic similarity between a human and a cat is 90%, with a mouse 85%, a dog 84%, a cow 80%, a pumpkin 75%, a banana 60% and with a cabbage 57%.


Finish with a Song

This is the Verve with Sonnet released in 1997

Overheard in the Hospital

In Today's Issue

Conversations in a Hospital Waiting Room
When do we get old ?
Random Joke of the Day
That's Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
Finish with a Song

Conversations in a Hospital Waiting Room


Today I spent some time hanging about a hospital waiting area. As writers do, I spent most of the time evesdropping on peoples conversations.

Here's snippits of what I heard.

Man walks into area, 66ish, grey well dressed, see's someone he knows.

"Ey up John, you all right?"
John.
"No"

Two women sat side by side visions in twin sets and pearls.

Lady number one,
"He's got a really good job, briefcase and everything"
Lady number two,
"Mmmm, shame he's useless"

Elderly couple, man in a suit and tie but scruffy shoes. woman sleeveless top, nice arms but the rest needs an iron.

Man stares at a large dark patch on the floor.
Woman nudges him, then starts to stare too.
Man,
"Wonder what caused that stain?"

Two men, One 70ish, bald with a hearing aid. Second man early 50's also bald, the resemblance to the older is uncanny, either father and son, or clones.

Father,
"So he wired up the cooker to the plug"
Son,
"Plug?"
Father,
"Yes they can only have two rings on at a time, if they put on the oven they fuse the whole street"

Father and Son...continued,

Dad
"Yes I know I'm diabetic, but I don't eat pork pies very night, I've got a cucumber in the fridge"

When do we get old?

Old people in waiting rooms.
Invisible people
They seem to lose definition
Greying out to almost translucency
Do they lose their colour
Or do we stop seeing them

When do we get old?
When do we start to disappear?
Where does all that experience go?

Waiting rooms, wasting time, it all becomes finite. We should live on.

Random Joke of the Day

I swallowed some scrabble letters by accident. My next poo could spell trouble.

The sum of all the numbers on a roulette wheel is 666.


Finish with a Song

Given the theme, this is Elvis Costello with Veronica released in 1989, listen to the lyrics.